A PSA to Women and The Big Secrets Men Don’t Share… Until Now

Dear Women,

If I could keep you happy I would.

I would take you on trips, buy you all of the things your heart desired, and make love to you so passionately your breath would be sporadic like a flickering light bulb.

The truth is I can make you happy, but I can’t keep you happy… I will fail in that department… like most men.

It’s not that I don’t have good intentions… Honestly, I am a serial romantic. I love curiosity, creating memorable moments, buying you flowers, leaving candy your the pillow, a hotel rendezvous, PDA and all that lovey dovey stuff.

The stuff that is supposed to make you happy.

But that doesn’t always work… because You are different.

You’re not a sheet of cookie dough.

So naturally I can’t treat you in a cookie cutter way… you’re unique.

You are a woman with her own dreams, goals, and a particular way that you need to be loved, touched, and listened to, in order to meet the needs, that you have.

I want to tell you the truth about me and a deep dark secret about men…

But before I do let me tell you a story:

A few years ago I sat in a café across from a beautiful woman full of life, the sun shimmering off of her face as the light glowed from a stained glass window. The aroma of coffee and pastries floating through the air, Life was good on the surface.

But I had a problem.

I was a chameleon when I was with women. I would figure out how I needed to behave and mimic what I thought I should be doing for her. How I thought she needed to be loved… How I needed to behave to keep her happy, and I’m sorry to say it didn’t work out.

I was trying to fill in the blanks instead of allowing her to fill them in herself.

I was trying to fix her and be a hero. With my tail between my legs I have to admit…

I’ve been doing it my whole life.

Growing up pining for approval, and trying to figure out ways to be valuable to people was my thing.

I didn’t realize it followed me into every relationship I’d had women.

I HAD to be the fixer.

Yeah… I always wanted what was best for them.

And the truth is, I was really good at showing it… So I thought.

What’s worse…

Most men want what’s best for you too. That’s not the problem… what is?

It’s knowing that we can’t provide that elusive promise. We can want it all day long but we can’t give you what’s best for you.

Why?

Simply because…

Most men (including myself at that time) don’t realize that You don’t need saving. And even if you do… it’s not up to us to do it.

You don’t need a knight in shining armor.

You don’t need our opinion about what YOU need or what we think is best for you.

What I, and most men, fail to realize without guidance is that what you really need is …

…NOT being told what you need

…NOT being told what you need

Instead…

It’s just having a friend that encourages your growth, and your dreams, and that’s way more valuable than trying to fix your problems. And finally seeing that YOU are the only one that can provide that for yourself… give yourself what’s best for you. 

I Was Lost but Now I’m Found…

Men, we think we’re helping you towards your happiness, comically we’re missing that goal by a mile.

Our intentions are good… but from experience good intentions are not enough.

Because they are relative to what we as men feel they are, not to what you actually need.

A relationship and Love are About Support, Nothing More.

It’s about understanding your partners needs and not dismissing them.

It’s about…

Helping when you’re fearful about something and being there just to support you. Realizing your suspicions are valid regardless if true or not… Not to dismiss them but help confirm or work on alleviating them.

To stand back and remind you things will be okay and that we are rocks in the stormy waters of life, that roadblocks and detours are ok as long as we work through them together. And to be there with you until your fear and anxiety are no longer on 10x.

Listen…

If you want your man to be more supportive, and less of a know- it- all, trying to put out fires, You have to tell him to stop trying to save you and be a support system instead. 

TELL him just like that.  

You have to tell him from the beginning the minute you notice it’s happening. Tell him that you’re not fragile, you’re not a porcelain doll.

Tell him that you want X, Y, Z in the relationship.

You have to be woman enough to tell him that’s what You want. If you are not clear you’re going to get unclear results.

Yes, I take full responsibility for trying to fix my previous partner. I learned what distress looked like and felt that was my job as a man… I wanted to feel needed… and went about it in all the wrong ways.

That was MY internal struggle and it needed to be fixed by me. And with a lot of hard work I have.

So listen up…

No one in life is a mind reader… and men get clumped into this category that says… ‘We are supposed to know what women are thinking’.

My mistake and the big secret men will never tell is…

We try to fit the mold, we try to anticipate what women are thinking… and when we fall short we feel terrible…

If you weren’t aware.

So many men feel like this.

For me…

Instead of asking what is it that my woman really wants?

And having that conversation… and giving my undivided attention to figuring out if I wanted to provide that for her or not… I guessed, I tried to fix what I thought was broken… What I thought she wanted.

THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.

And most men make this mistake in the beginning, when dealing with women

We don’t know what you really want, or how to meet your needs… your real needs… not your superficial ones.

Some men… figure it out later.

And some… go through their entire lives not realizing that they aren’t supposed to fix things… that they can’t!

If you want a long term happy relationship, that’s worth spending some time on…

Realize… people aren’t toys to be fixed… or projects. All you can do is bring your A game, be yourself and don’t try to solve their problems…

If you’re a man reading this… You can’t fix or save a woman from anything! You can only be a friend, a support system, a guide to help her navigate to a solution she finds on their own.

You Are Not the Solution. Nor Should You Be. 

If your relationship crumbles because you didn’t swoop in to save the day… be grateful, because that was not a healthy relationship at all. Your woman needs to learn how to figure out her own internal demons… period. If you try to do it for her, you will crash and burn every time…

And for my positive, sexy, and loyal woman.

If you’re afraid of what your man might do, or say if you tell him what you really want, then you’re not in a safe relationship. And it will end in disaster sooner or later. You’re worth telling him the truth and if he’s about that life and loves you, he will do what it takes to work together and stop trying to fix everything. While not being a sour ass dude about it.

We all have flaws, fears and needs that must be met. But without the strength to speak up and tell your partner what you need, your needs will partially be met and that emptiness you feel will only grow.

  • Mind reading is something no one on this planet has the ability to consistently do!
  • Men need to be given specifics. Not in a condescending I’m your mother kind of way… just straight specifics.
  • If you come from a place of love, not pity, or anger, we will understand.
  • Most of us want to be the best we can be.
  • If you help us do that we will love you forever and be loyal. True story.

It took me a long time to learn what I’m sharing.  

After heartache and constant repeat relationships where my kindness and what I thought was loving behavior was dismissed. I dug deep into my past relationships so I could really understand the patterns I was creating, and why.

Men by nature are fixers, but in relationships, that quality is not welcomed or needed… and we need to know that… we need understanding that.

So… It can’t hurt if you as a woman lay that out in the beginning.

If the man is insecure you will scare him off… which is great for you.

If he’s a real one, he will respect you and love that you have the confidence to lay out the cards.

You don’t have to, but it might just save a lot of headache for both people involved.

Because as a man, if we feel we’re Superman, we don’t know how to turn that off. It feels too good.

But too much of a good thing… well … you know.  

Why Do We Do It?

Our society has painted this picture in movies and everyday media where the hero comes in and saves the damsel in distress…

For centuries it has been the programming men have been fed. Can you blame us? I only hope my words are spread across the country and the world to all men and women and help move relationships in the right direction…

The Real Deal

When you promote a relationship where support, intense focus, and the ability to be there for your partner is valued. And there’s no expectation for what you get in return. This will create an environment; where both partners will want to reciprocate love and attention for the other.

And…

This all begins with knowing it’s not your job to fix anyone’s life problems.

Psychiatrists don’t fix problems. They ask questions and guide people to a clearer understanding of what caused that problem. They don’t say you should do this or that…

In relationships, learning your partners and your core needs is what’s most important.

Call me old fashioned but I believe in this. My spirit was dampened for a while but I realized being honest and being yourself weed out the people that don’t deserve you. And whether you find love in this life or the next… it’s worth holding out for, so work on creating it in your current relationship if both of you are ready to take love to the next level.

When you aren’t worried about fixing someone else’s problems, or what you’re going to get from them, it shows…

Your heart is open and you can listen and be of service to your partner. By doing so, they will make sure you get what you need. Try not fit a mold, change yourself or be a hero… these won’t get you love.

They get you false promises, fakes, and confusing conversations that happen months or years later, about why it’s time to go your separate ways.

Aren’t you tired of those?   

Believe it or not…

Men are too.

Sincerely,

A former ‘Serial Fixer’

 ABOUT

Rockey Simmons, is a writer that loves to study love, humanity, and cause and effect. He has worked in fields of medicine and software engineering that required him to think about people in different ways. He grew up in a very rough part of NYC and continuously works to show other young people there is a way to make it out and become more. When he’s not writing he loves all things romance. Health and fitness, walks, and long conversations that stimulate the senses.

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