What do women want? Everyone seems to want to know the answer but what happens once they do? The question has been rhetorically posed by thought leaders in every industry from philosophers to psychologist, poets to scholars, and everyone in between. The desires of women, real or manufactured, has driven the course of advertising for decades. From diamond sales, books, to makeup, and movies, this elusive question of what women want is a question worth answering.
Before marketing took control of the relationship narrative – in an attempt to sell these desires in material things – society was searching for an answer in the hopes of closing the communication gap between the sexes.
It seems like a complicated question because every woman is different. Every human is different. We may share core desires as described by Darwin, Maslow, or Tony Robbins, but do all women share the same fundamental need when it comes to dating; my answer is yes.
In my ten year career of researching and writing about dating, and relationships in the modern world, I have come to believe that the answer to this age old question is simple. Women want one core thing. Women want to know that the man that she is dating wants her. Not implicitly, or implicatively, but she needs to be told.
Women need to hear a man say, I want to be with you.
Now, the nuance of this statement is that relationships, and anything related, or adjacent, are based on circumstances. The degree of how successful your relationship will be is largely influenced by the circumstances in which it starts. Just because a man admits that he wants to be with a woman, doesn’t mean that he is actually willing, or able, to do so. But the beginning of any healthy relationship starts with clear intentions.
The Suggestion Of Liking Her Is Not Enough.
Women today have incredibly low standards when it comes to what they will accept as a date. Women are deeply starved for attention, and quality time, to the point that they will act unashamedly grateful for any legitimate attention they receive.
Women are willing to go to man’s house in lieu of a real date. They are willing to split the bill for dinner with a man that they just met from a dating app. From social media to social settings, it’s obvious that women are doing more and more to gain a man’s attention. But showing a woman attention is the not same as wanting her.
A man that shows interest in a woman is just a man who is seizing an opportunity to fulfill his own selfish desires. Maybe he needs attention, maybe he’s bored, or maybe he has some slight hint of desire but would embrace a better seeming option if one presented itself.
When a woman is forced to infer that a man wants to be with her, because he hasn’t explicitly said the words, she begins to tell herself an unhealthy story. The math it requires from person to person, to determine how the other person feels about you without explicit expression, is overwhelming.
A woman debating whether a man “likes” her, is a woman facing an unmet need.
There Is A Difference Between Wanting And Just Willing.
Most women accept that a man is willing to do whatever it takes to have sex with her. Partly desire, partly human nature, this drive does not make a woman feel like she is special. It also doesn’t make her feel like he will be as interested after he gets what he wants. No matter how genuine a man might seem, without saying the words, a woman is left unsatisfied. The ‘you should know how I feel based on actions’ isn’t enough.
Most women believe that a man is only as faithful as his options. When he is lonely, and horny he is faithful to her and will act ‘in love’. When he is feeling good, and full of positive energy, she is the last thing on his mind. This inconsistent behavior messes with a woman’s head. Does he really like me, or am I just someone to pass the time with.
This isn’t an illicit want, or an eluded desire, it’s a deep seated need to be told that she is wanted.
It’s an unfair ask to some extent because for years men have been accused of telling women only what they want to hear. That lack of integrity over the decades has created an unhealthy environment for communication. Men lie. And single adults are doing their best to recover from that “player” period.
Never the less, the act of telling a woman that you want her, works. It works for married men, it works for men in prison. It even works for men with multiple baby mamas and no job. It works on celebrities like Khloe Kardashian, and it works on Kesha down the block.
A woman who believes that if you had everything that you wanted, you would still choose to be with her, will do anything to hold on to that relationship.
Does She Know What She Means To You?
Women fill in the gaps of a relationship where a man has failed to do enough. Too often it’s nothing but breadcrumbs that are sustaining her. She has to rely on the context clues and superficial evidence because the man just can’t be honest. The truth doesn’t change the situation. This is why married men have the advantage because they don’t have to back up their words, and it’s evident by the rate that single women fall for the lies, shows how desperate women want to know where they stand.
“I don’t know if we’re in a relationship or not.” This is a thought that crosses a woman’s mind when she’s been dating a man exclusively but hasn’t heard the words, I want you.
It isn’t a perfect truth. There is a lot of harm that can come from wanting to hear these intoxicating words yet knowing that they might not be true. It isn’t a perfect ask. The desire is deeper than anyone can understand, but it exists none the less. To be told that you are wanted, is what women want the most. The caveat being that yes, women want to hear the words, “I want to be with you” but they also want the behavior that follows.
Circumstance will dictate what happens next but at least, for the moment, she knows where she stands.