In today’s dating world there is little to no excuse to be single, if you’re really looking for a relationship. We have long been living in the age of information but with the overabundance of dating apps, there isn’t a single adult the right age, sex, race, etc. that you can’t meet if you just start to swipe. The rate at which single adults are dating has increased exponentially in the last few years. Nearly five years ago the average adult went on a date a year if that. Today, adults are engaging in multiple dates a day, plus making time to Skype or video chat for additional screening.
We are meeting people at length but no one seems to be able to connect and make a relationship happen. This isn’t for a lack of trying and if you’re single, I’m sure you’ve given your love life your full attention.
So what is keeping love at bay?
The truth is, we are in a unique time in history, and our approach to dating as a precursor to marriage has proven ineffective. Dating leads to more dating. The only way to get into a relationship is to take a methodically approach to finding a partner with the intent to marry.
This might seem unromantic but research, and history both support the fact that this is how marriages for were made for decades, with deliberate effort.
Back in the day, your family, friends, pastor, or neighborhood sage all pitched in to the thing that many single adults are now doing on their one; find a spouse.
Being single has evolved. It isn’t just a random case of bad luck, or poor timing. Unmarried adults, for the first time in decades, now outnumber married adults. While some adults are opting to avoid marriage all together, or waiting to marry later in life, the majority of single men and women can only half-heartedly guess at what the solution to ending their single might be.
If you’re single right now, it’s likely that you have no idea why. But instead of grasping for weak excuses, face the truth: you don’t know how to get into a relationship. You don’t know where or who, the right person is. Accept that truth, instead of the lies that you are currently living.
You’re Fulfilled Alone
Single adults are better today at meeting their own needs than ever before. As Esther Perel puts it, we require from one person, what we used to get from an entire village. And in the absence of that one person, we do our best to fill our lives with the things that matter most. Singles take on challenging hobbies, donate to charity, travel, and cultivate friendships better than ever before, and while these meaningful experiences enrich our lives, they don’t fulfill it.
The need to be loved, and loved deeply comes from another person. It comes from a lover. This romantic relationship cannot be replaced by anything else. We need to feel understood and trusted. We need to trust, and love, and risk. While we can have love in our lives, and share connections with our friends, single adults can’t replace the need for a romantic relationship.
A warm bath doesn’t substitute for a meal. Even with some needs being met fully, accepting that there is still a desire to be in a relationship, to somewhat belong to someone else, gets you closer to making it real.
You’re Too Busy For Love
No one is too busy to be loved deeply. When we think about dating, it’s easy to envision everything that we have to give. Or give up. We are constantly belabored by what we believe we lose instead of focusing on what we have gain in return.
Being too busy is simply not prioritizing love when you should. Being too busy is being closed off from the possibility of being loved because it’s too scary.
No one is too busy for the joy that comes from feeling truly love, especially falling into it. When we are open to making one of life’s toughest decisions without abandon, it’s easy to let love in but when you distract yourself with life by being too busy, love has no way to enter. Love is an all-encompassing feeling that takes up space your mind, and your heart completely. If you’re too busy for love, or at least think you are, you’re discounting how much time you spend thinking about the one. Or the potential for there being a one at all.
Instead of being too busy, try considering that you’re avoiding what you want out of fear.
Love Is Luck
There is an unspoken sentiment that love happens to those who are lucky, or to those who deserve it. This is far from the truth. It is a misconception is that love finds those who are lucky, but love finds those who are ready.
Among adults ages 18 to 64, the proportion of currently married is down 15 percentage points for young adults without a college degree, but only 6% for college graduates. By 2016, 61% of college graduates were currently married, compared with only 43% of those without a college education. Statistically more relationships are becoming a byproduct of an elite society. Those who can afford to meet the right people, in the right places, do.
There is a randomness to life that we must respect. But being single can allow for circumstances to fall in your favor, as long as you don’t believe that all you have to be is lucky. Anyone that you meet could be a potential matchmaker for you, and connect you with someone that you want to get to know. But you have to have a baseline belief that you can create your own fortune.