Single men and women alike constantly make the same mistake in dating that keeps them single: they date the wrong people.
More accurately stated, they date the wrong people for too long. Naturally, you’ll date the partners that you have an attraction to, this isn’t by choice of course but by chemistry. What happens overtime is a ‘getting to know you’ process. This is when most single men and women go a stray. They start to realize that the person they’ve been dating isn’t everything that they want but they continue to date them longer than they should.
Being single is the result of two things: not knowing how to find the right partners and dating the wrong people for too long.
The objective of dating isn’t to convince the wrong person of your value, it’s to find the right people capable of appreciating you as you are. In order to know who you should be dating you must construct a clear image of the person that is going to accept you for you. You must also refuse to settle for anything less.
In order to find the right person, you must get really clear on how you want to be treated and stop settling for less. The secret to choosing the right person is acceptance. You aren’t looking for a certain height, or a certain hair color. What you’re looking for is acceptance. And it starts with you. Once you accept yourself and what you have to offer to a partner, the next task is finding that partner then extending that acceptance to someone else.
Most single men and women miss or skip the first step. They make excuses for why they are limited and can’t be their best self. They aren’t the right weight, they don’t have enough money, and they lack charisma but still expect to be accepted whole-heartedly. The old adage that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else is somewhat true. The elements of love including acceptance, forgiveness and respect are better felt when you can give them to yourself.
You have to love yourself but more than love you have to accept yourself.
The key isn’t to avoid the wrong people that just isn’t possible. Everyone that you date is a lesson. When you find that you are with the wrong person you have to move on as quickly as possible after you determine the two of you aren’t a match. On one hand, if you believe that everything happens for a reason then you can’t avoid the wrong relationships. Maybe you needed to learn that lesson. Maybe you believe that there are no accidents just learning experiences. Which ever you believe there will come a time in your love life when you meet a charming person and find yourself enthralled in an unhealthy relationship.
What makes a relationship unhealthy at minimum is that it’s not fulfilling. It doesn’t give you everything that you want. You find yourself feeling depleted because you’re getting less than you deserve. The wrong partner might fulfill certain needs but they won’t make you happy. Again, you can find value in everyone that you date but if you are dating the wrong person for too long you are diminishing your chances of finding the right person. So what are the characteristics that the person that you’re dating is the wrong person for you?
THEY LIE TO YOU
Honesty is a sign of good communication. Many people lie to avoid confrontation but good communicators want to be honest. They don’t want to hurt you by leading you on or making you believe something about the relationship that isn’t true. Even white lies are a sign that you are with the wrong person. Anyone who can’t be completely honest with you at the risk of disrupting the relationship is the wrong person for you.
It’s hard to tell another person that you don’t see enough value in them to date them but you should appreciate anyone willing to be that honest. Those who avoid how they feel because they’re afraid to communicate honestly are likely to hurt you. There is a difference between concealment and lying.
If you tend to be a suspicious or insecure person it’s important to give a potential date some leeway. When you start dating someone new there is bound to be inconsistencies in their story. We don’t open up right away to strangers. Sometimes we shade the truth because we aren’t ready to trust another person. Other times we are embarrassed about the truth so we paint a more flattering picture.
There is a saying, “ Once is an accident and twice is a habit.” Shading the truth to come across as better than we are is natural but if you catch your date lying then dump them. Lies of any kind are unacceptable. Relationships should be built on trust and you deserve a person who respects you enough to be honest.
THEY’RE ALWAYS ON THEIR PHONE
Technology is wonderful but it’s hard to seduce someone more distracted by their phone than with the thought of being alone with you. Our attention spans are shortened, today more than ever before, and we’re more impatient of a society but it’s important to put technology away and give our date our full attention.
How can we connect with another person when we’re constantly looking for stimulation from our cell phones? You should give your date the courtesy of your undivided attention and they should do the same.
If your date is more caught up with what’s going on with their phone than with you, then dump them. Quality time with your partner is what builds intimacy in the relationship. If they aren’t used to putting their phone away then just ask them to. Being on the phone or distracted by one’s phone isn’t only distracting but it sparks insecurities.
It’s a breeding ground for jealousy because it makes you wonder if they are texting someone else or engaging in a separate relationship than the one they have with you. It fuels suspicion, which has no room in a healthy relationship.
THEY DISRESPECT YOU
Respect in dating depends on one’s own personal standards. Most singles don’t demand respect they just assume that its par for the course but it’s not. The way a person communicates with you, engages with you and pursues you is a combination of the respect that you demand and their own personal standards.
If you feel that a behavior is rude then mention it. A potential date should be actively trying to see you and spend time with you. A disrespectful date will make you jump through hoops to see them. They will also cancel dates, abuse your kindness and act aloof in their communications. These are just a few examples of how we disrespect the people we date.
But it’s up to you not to accept unacceptable behavior. It’s not your date’s fault that you allow them to cross the line and treat you as an after thought. You must refuse to be treated that way by ending all contact or engagement with such people.
THEY DON’T MAKE TIME FOR YOU
In the best seller ‘He’s just not that into you’ the author states that busy is another word for asshole.
Making time for the person that you’re dating isn’t an option. Either you have time to invest in someone else, or you shouldn’t be in a relationship. If your partner finds it difficult to make the time to see you, especially when you’re initiating the process, then find yourself someone new.
Dating is about finding someone that we feel good around. Someone who makes us feel wanted, appreciated, accepted, and cherished. It’s no fun, or fair, when your date is making no effort to spend time with you or acting as if their schedule is way too packed to fit you in. If that’s the case, that just means that you are not a priority.
This is a clear sign that you’re not dating the right person for you because they aren’t chemically bonded to you. That bond is what creates a sense of urgency for seeing you again. If they’re too busy or ambivalent about making plans then it’s likely to make you feel unwanted. That’s not fair and you shouldn’t take it.
You should feel desired by your partner and there should be mutual anticipation for seeing each other. If there isn’t then you’re likely dating the wrong person.
THEY KEEP YOU GUESSING
We enter into relationships for security and stability. If you’re dating a partner who makes you feel that the relationship could unravel at anytime then they are the wrong person for you. If you find yourself being the first to call or never knowing where your partner is or what they’re doing this can cause you a lot of anxiety.
If the person that you’re dating isn’t making a consistent effort to reassure you that they like you then they are not the right person for you. Your relationship should feel like a safe place for you to love and be loved. It shouldn’t feel uncertain and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or doubt yourself when you’re with someone who says they care about you. You should be accepted and feel secure with the person that you care about.
The best indicator that you’re dating the right person is that you feel there is mutual effort in the courtship. One person shouldn’t be doing more, giving more or investing more than the other.
You should be giving and taking in equal proportion and it’s okay to make them feel wanted but they should also make you feel wanted in return. You deserve a happy relationship, never forget that.