Oh the dreaded friend zone.
In dating when someone puts you in the friend zone what they’re essentially saying is: I like your personality but I am not physically attracted to you. Although there are variations to this sentiment, what separates a friendship from a romantic relationship is sexual attraction and desire.
Desire is what makes any relationship possible.
Without desire there is no motivation behind the relationship to keep it alive. The degree of this desire is what creates deep bonds and attachments that lead to life long friendships and even romantic relationships. The way to get out of the friend zone is simple: increase the level of desire to a sexual level. If you’re afraid of the word sex, or sexuality then this could be one reason why you are in the friend zone. Sexual chemistry is the key to attraction. This doesn’t mean that you need to have sex with anyone: on the contrary. You need to inspire others to want to have sex with you.
The best way out of the friend zone is to create sexual desire and chemistry.
First you create chemistry, meaning deep connection, understanding, attachment and positive feelings when they’re with you.
Next you create desire, meaning the thought of sex with you seems pleasurable, possible and last two people on earth scenario, not out of the question. That without much prompting another person would want to have sex with you. Not only want it but fantasize about it before it actually happens.
It’s important to recognize that our brain is wired for chemistry and desire. We want things all the time. Our body releases hormones that encourage reproduction. It’s all part of the natural selection process. Our body knows, before our brains do, when we’re aroused. It’s actually our brains that talk us out of this temptation.
It is by creating this enticement repeatedly that gets you from a friend to a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Before starting your process of getting out of the friend zone please observe 3 rules:
1. This process takes times. Just like a diet, don’t expect to see results the next day, or the next week and then just quit. Be prepared to invest at least 6 weeks to this formula and its initial stages.
2. This process takes discipline. Self-control is the reason many relationships fail to mature. An over emphasis on emotions and expectations can kill desire quickly. Recognize that in order to control any situation you must first control yourself.
3. This process works as directed. Many people try to ad lib or vary from the formula or go off script but don’t. You will negatively affect your results.
This is the formula…
First be a good friend and not a victim
Act like a real friend who cares about the other person and not just what they can offer you. In many cases those who feel placed in the friend zone, act like victims instead of friends. They longingly pine for their friend and their behavior shifts from that of a real friend and more of like a lovesick puppy.
A true friend isn’t a “yes” person who is willing to do whatever the other person wants to win them over. They don’t jump at every chance to spend time with the other person. They don’t drop everything to be at their friend’s beck and call. They don’t need to wait patiently for the other person to “change their mind” about them.
A real friend also doesn’t read into everything you say or do. They don’t sensor themselves or act like they’re afraid to be proactive in the friendship. Think of someone that you consider a friend and treat the person you like the same way.
Real friends know each other. When you have convinced the other person that you truly “know” them you will build chemistry.
This quality will open the doors to trust, vulnerability and attachment.
By being a good friend, you become an important part of someone else’s life, someone they can count on to add value and for pleasurable experiences. By being a real friend you don’t place expectations on the other person and hold them accountable for how you feel.
Most importantly, a good friendship is mutual. Just because you aren’t romantic yet doesn’t mean you should be doing all of the work. Every great relationship involves two people giving the same amount of time, interest and consideration to keep the friendship alive.
Create experiences that bond you
Relationships are made not in the time we spend together but in the memories left in our absences. It is with these experiences that bond are formed and within the memories attachments are made. This means boring dates and hanging on the couch together won’t cut it.
Often called the attachment hormone, oxytocin increases feelings of ease, attachment, love and bonding when released into the bloodstream. You can induce the release of this hormone by engaging in activities that stimulate the heart rate.
Any activity that involves stimulants such as action, thriller, or horror films, amusement parks, concerts, physical and adrenaline inducing activities or new surroundings will create stress, anxiety or increased heart rates.
The body then produces oxytocin as a way to relieve these feelings of stress. The release of oxytocin bonds you to the person you’re sharing the experience with.
Oxytocin can also be released through physical touch. There are three points of contact that will stimulate the brain to release a high amount of the hormone. Hand to hand contact, physical contact with your eyes closed and uninterrupted eye contact.
These interchanges create a shock wave flowing from them to you. The more oxytocin released the stronger the bond between you.
The final step in getting out of the friend zone tends to be the most challenging and that’s telling this person that you shouldn’t date. Human nature says; we want what we can’t have. It’s age-old reverse psychology and it works like a charm.
Once you are acting like a true friend and getting to know the other person you are opening the way for vulnerability and trust. Next you are releasing oxytocin in the brain, which bonds them to you, and lastly you must make obtaining you a challenge.
Play Hard To Get
This is the most difficult part because the moment it feels like the walls are coming down the infatuated person confesses their love and offers themselves on a platter.
This is unattractive.
There must be a perceived challenge to overcome. You have to act as though a relationship is off the table.
Feign interest in someone else; list the reasons why it wouldn’t work or flat out say, “I could never see us dating.”
Don’t believe being aloof works so well? It’s already working on you isn’t it. Here you are, wanting someone you can’t have.
Even if you’ve been friends for a while it’s never too late to pull the “reverse psychology card”. It might not be as believable at first but don’t fall for seduction techniques or give in to cheap ploys and tricks to get you to admit that you do in fact want a relationship.
When the time is right and this person has let down their guard you’ll know and then you can move forward with the next phase of your plan, whatever it may be. The key is to get out of the friend zone and into the place where you have control and romance is possible. I hope this was helpful.