What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
– Jerry Seinfeld
Let’s be honest, the real reason you don’t go on more dates is probably your face. This isn’t a diss. It’s not because I believe you’re unattractive or that ugly people aren’t dating. (Oh Match.com has proved to me that they are.)
What I mean is, attractive people are constantly under more pressure to date, and more likely to date with unmeetable standards. This keeps many people home at night because although they feel pressure to date they also face limited options. When an attractive person can’t find a date they’re likely to ask, “What’s wrong with me?” If they don’t feel flawed enough then they blame society. The (dating) truth is, people don’t date more often because they just don’t like it.
Like any other activity in life, when it comes to finding a partner, we procrastinate because the thought of actually dating is scary. Yet living the single life can be lonely. Only when the pros outweigh the cons will modern singles force themselves out of their comfort zone and actually date. But it doesn’t mean they enjoy it. What many people don’t realize are the benefits that come with dating more often. Being a good dater and a good partner are not mutually exclusive. In fact, those that are great daters tend not to settle into a relationship.
What being a good dater does do is give you options. It puts you in the driver seat so you aren’t just settling for who crosses your path. Not only can you date selectively but you also make the selection process more enjoyable by embracing these benefits of dating more.
So, “Why should you date more?”
Here are a few reasons I think all singles should seriously consider. To me, it’s imperative that all singles, men and women, date often but if you’re hesitant consider the following.
To Gain Perspective
As a dating coach I act as a mirror for my clients. I show them aspects of themselves that they might have missed or blocked because they’ve been single for so long. Most people aren’t aware how they come across to other and they fail to highlight the qualities that are attractive to others.
Take a moment to place yourself back to the beginning of any current relationship and assess how the friendship evolved. If you were to ask a friend their very first impression of you when you met you would have a better understanding of how your dates feel.
Singles equate who they are now in relation to the friends that they have currently. This isn’t accurate. When you have to repeat your story to strangers, who have no basis or reference to who you really are, there is no bullshitting. In the time you spend together your date is judging what you say against how you behave. If you think you’re funny but your date isn’t laughing then you aren’t funny. If you think you’re charming but your date isn’t relaxed and engaged then guess what; you aren’t charming.
Dating makes it clear cut what type of person you are by the response you get. Your ability to be open, vulnerable, kind, interested, and engaging makes you great company. If you aren’t great company on a date then lack of second dates will make this obvious. This gives you an opportunity to adjust your behavior. Be different? Yes!
You have the opportunity through dating to share who you are with another human being in a way that could leave a lasting impression. And a good one. You’d be surprised however that many people keep the most interesting aspects of themselves to themselves. Dating can tell you as much about yourself as it does another person. Especially after the date. It’s important to gauge how you feel about yourself before and after the date. This type of self-reflection can improve your enjoyment dating. If you don’t enjoy learning more about yourself, why would anyone else.
Does who you want to date exist? I know the answer is yes but I also know that many singles aren’t so sure. More so, they don’t realize how unsure they are about who they want to date. When you meet the people who embody the qualities that you think you want it allows you to get clear on what you really want.
What might not have bothered you in theory may turn out to be a deal breaker.
The only way to know is to be on a date with the person you consider your ideal. Maybe you think you want an ivy-league educated partner. That is until you meet the most fascinating entrepreneur, who has never taken so much as a course at community college. The only way to know what you really like or feel good around is to experience those behaviors in person. Why aren’t you dating more of the people who have what you say you’re looking for. How you feel around a person means so much more than what you have on your list. Hands on investigating is the only way to be sure that what you think you want makes you feel how you want to feel.
The idea of dating isn’t fun for most people. The thought of finding people to date is even less appealing. The key to enjoying the dating process is to simply focus on having fun and not meeting your soulmate. You have to mentally prepare yourself to enjoy the date despite compatibility.
You have a good time, learn about someone new and keep it moving. The key is to want to share the company of another person. Dating can only be enjoyable if you have invested interest in getting to know your date and not just vetting them for life long partnership. They might not be the one but they might know the one and be mature enough to introduce you.
If you worry about the investment then only plan dates around activities that you planned on doing anyway.
They key to dating more is to market yourself in an attractive way to potential dates. The secret formula to getting more dates and actually enjoying them is to change your perspective about dating. It’s not about work it’s about connection. It’s the ability to enjoy another person’s company and have them enjoy yours, so much so that it leads to more dates and possibly a relationship.
If you don’t learn from your dating experience then you aren’ taking advantage of what dating has to offer. Every date is an opportunity to make yourself a better catch for your ideal partner. Think of dating as perfecting your appeal. That’s a good thing. I hope this was helpful.