Every time I meet a beautiful woman she wants to become my friend — not my girlfriend.
Does this sound familiar to you? Whether you consider yourself a nice guy or just suffer from this mislabel, here’s my explanation of why nice guys finish last and what you can do about it.
YOU SEEM PERFECT AND PERFECTION SCARES WOMEN
What I find common in “nice guys” is their perpetuation of perfection.
Everything is always ok. They don’t seem to get too upset about anything. They can be incredibly accommodating and they are ready, willing and able to offer their services without much objection. They are available when you need them, they are never judgmental and they never seem to want anything in return. This might sound like a dream partner but this type of mono-emotional behavior is intimidating.
Human beings have ups and downs, highs and lows. Nothing is always “all right”. Sometimes there are problems, or issues, or hurts. Sometimes you can’t be accommodating or you just don’t want to.
The realness of how you feel must ALWAYS be expressed.
If true feelings are suppressed to keep the peace, please someone else or to win favor then you are too “nice”. By seeming to be unbothered, by what would bother most people, you become intimidating. It sets a standard the average woman can’t live up to.
Don’t allow your niceness to trump your realness. It’s ok, not to mind unfavorable behavior here and there but never pretend to be fine if you’re not. Never pretend that things are fine if they’re not. Trying too hard to make the courtship perfect also makes the courtship unrealistic.
YOU REPRESENT COMFORT NOT PASSION
Some men might argue that women have their priorities screwed up. A woman would rather have a man who is a project and needy instead of a stable, “good”, man with his life together. This isn’t entirely wrong.
From the outside being a “nice” guy might feel comfortable because you never have friction in the relationship. The friction is what creates the passion. Men and women are attracted by the emotions their partner can stir within them. If you can’t incite passion then you are being too “nice.”
All relationships need emotional ups and downs.
It’s that variety that creates attraction. A man who provides comfort might be the obvious choice but in relationships being comfortable is being bored. Being comfortable is why people cheat. We are often told that everything that we want is outside of our comfort zone so when a woman meets a “nice” guy he can’t be both safe and comfortable and sexy.
If there isn’t an element of uncertainty then there is no passion. Passion is what defines a romantic relationship. Without it, you have a friendship.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT
Men and women who are too nice suffer from the same epidemic.
They know what they want but they never come out and say it. They are motivated purely by their own desires. This might be confusing because “nice” men and women like to appear selfless and altruistic. The reality is, the desire of a nice person to be wanted is what motivates their behavior.
The desire of a nice person to maintain the feelings they feel when around a romantic partner motivates their behavior. The “nice guy” is so focused on keeping a woman in his life for his own selfish needs that her true desires often go unnoticed. The nice person is too busy catering to what their partner says they want rather than looking at the bigger picture. The nice person fails to uncover their partner’s deep desires because they are too busy trying to mask their own.
This leaves potential partners feeling disconnected and uninterested.
Why “nice guys” finish last is this: they fail to create an attachment with the woman they’re dating.
- Perfection doesn’t create attachment because it’s too unrealistic.
- Comfort and consistency don’t create attachment because they aren’t exciting.
- Superficial affections don’t create attachment because if you don’t know what someone truly wants they will NEVER believe that you can provide it.
- The best place to start in overcoming the “nice guy” stigma is by learning how to better express who you really are.
Be upfront with what you want. Speak up for yourself when you aren’t happy or comfortable with the courtship. Truly get to understand the person you’re dating. More empathy and patience will take you far. You don’t have to be nice, just be real.