Have you ever seen a couple and thought, “Why is she with him?” Or “What does he see in her?”
To an outsider the relationship might seem mismatched but in reality it probably fell together like most relationships do: by making the person feel better or making the person become better.
Every human being, no matter where they are in their life, has the innate desire for growth. We all want to be “better” people. You have the power to date any person you want by applying this principle.
Anyone will date you if you help them feel better or be better. So what does this mean? We see so many people in this world who settle down with partners we don’t think are their “type”. When we think of athletes or celebrities, we often wonder, “What did they see in that one person,” out of the many people they meet or have access to?
The reason: this person had the ability to change the other person’s state. They were able to make their partner feel a specific way that inspired attachment. So how did they do this? They recognized how the other person desired to feel then they made them feel that way. If you want to have your choice in dating, or get commitment from another person then you must help others feel better or be better.
This boils down to basic value proposition. We think that we need to buy people things, or do what they want in order to be desirable. Worst, we think we have to be way better looking than we are but none of that is true.
You only have to know how the other person desires to feel and help them feel that way. Everyone has desires. How we feel in this moment may or may not be how we truly desire to feel. Have you ever dated someone who made you feel “alive” or “smart” or “sexy”? These are all desired feelings. If you can identify how someone desires to feel then you can begin to build a relationship. We are all looking to improve our emotional state. We want to feel better, even when we feel relatively happy.
What stops us from adding this kind of value to the people we want to date is we assume the smart, rich, popular or attractive people we want don’t have problems.
We assume that the people we like are always happy and have incredibly high self-esteem or perfect lives.
Logically, we know this isn’t true. Everyone has issues that prevent them from being the person they would truly like to be. Everyone, no matter how wonderful their life seems, has room for personal growth. This is why we seek partners because we believe that something in our life is missing that can only be found in another person.
The concept of making someone feel better or become a better person boils down to your value adding ability. It’s not good enough to just be a kind person who can do things for others when asked. You have to be a little more strategic. You know that we all want to feel better. We want to feel smarter, happier, sexier, more capable, more successful etc…
Determine how you can contribute to the state that someone is in. Compliments are a great way to start. When you affirm what someone believes to be true about themselves you improve their mood.
Ask the right questions. Ask questions about someone’s passions, hobbies, talents and frustrations. Ask questions that will make others think or have to recall the answer. Stimulating the brain can improve our mood.
Make their feelings a priority. It would be a wonderful world if everything we did for others was equally reciprocated but its not. Sometimes you have to give, give and give to another person knowing that it will be worth it.
You’re investing in the relationship. Just like with any investment, some are wiser than others. Some yield higher returns. Making the betterment of your date a priority is a good investment if they’re a good person. Once you decide who to engage with, put their feelings before yours. Otherwise you’re not coupling you’re competing.
You’re reward in the end will be someone attached to how you make them feel.
I hope this was helpful.