Breakups are a bitch. As much as we might want to find the quick and right solution for dealing with them, there’s no easy way of getting over the loss of a relationship. Especially a relationship that held some hope or promise of marriage. Or at least to you.
The only advice I can offer when you’re in the midst of a breakup is not to make the same mistakes that caused your demise again. You can avoid the pitfalls of failure by recognizing what went wrong and avoiding those behaviors at all costs.
1. You accepted less than what you wanted.
We’re conditioned to believe that we can’t have it all in one person.
At some point in time your partner proved not to be offering the all-inclusive package you always said you wanted. There were no flowers on your birthday or surprise morning coffees. And when they were wrong, they didn’t apologize with grand romantic gestures, if at all. In more ways than you’d admit, your partner was less than you imagined for your relationship and you let that slide for the greater good of actually having a relationship.
2. You didn’t completely choose your partner.
I’ve had married people tell me that before they met their partners, they had already decided that their next relationship would their last. Most singles embark on relationships without making that claim. And why would you, when you run the risk of being wrong. In your last relationship, it’s possible that you didn’t allow yourself to commit to your partner. You had too much doubt. Many people in fact force their partner to prove that they should be with them forever. They have to be convinced that their partner is right for them instead of just choosing them. It’s possible that you didn’t entertain the possibility of spending your life with your partner. Most people don’t realize that they can’t live without their partner until their forced to.
3. You over reacted too often.
Our egos are a force to reckoned with sometimes. When we least expect to be overcome with emotion, our egos can make us believe we should be lip-syncing for our lives and refuse to back down when we feel slighted. It’s quite the phenomenon really. We can blow our fuses at what in hindsight was a minor detail. Uncontrolled emotions have ended more relationships then infidelity. When you are incapable of pairing the situation with the proper emotions you risk alienating your partner. We find ourselves so emotionally invested in our relationship that we can’t control how we respond to what happens to us.
4. You didn’t let enough things go.
In relationships forgiving and forgetting is a must. If you hold on to every hurt and slight you feel, you can end up with boatloads of resentment. What starts as a minor argument about where to have dinner can turn into a screaming match about how much you hate their mother. Basically, if you don’t learn to let the past go and forgive your partner for minor things it ends up creating big problems in your relationship.
Letting go also benefits you. It gives you a sense of clarity. Without bitterness towards your partners past slights you can give your ego a break. You don’t feel such a strong need to prove your value, or that you were right. If you don’t learn to let go, you’ll be holding on to pain and not your partner.
5. You didn’t speak your mind enough.
There were times when you wanted to communicate what was on your mind and you didn’t. You didn’t communicate what you wanted and in turn you didn’t get it. Sometimes, and likely unintentionally we offend or hurt the person we’re dating, or they hurt us. You’re two individuals trying to operate as one. It’s our jobs to speak up about how we feel and what we need. It’s your job to feel comfortable enough to do so, and encourage your partner to do the same. There are a lot of people who are afraid to say what’s on their mind because they believe that rocking the boat means the ride is over. If you don’t speak up in your relationship you’re making a HUGE mistake. If you can’t speak up in your relationship, you should ask yourself why. If the person you’re with wants to make you happy, and they should, you need to give them the chance.
6. You wanted the other person to change.
If you would change anything about your last relationship, it’s probably best that you’re broken up. If you find yourself having to adjust to your partner’s personality, so much so that you wish they were different, you made a critical mistake in your relationship. You have to accept the person you are with. No exceptions. Who they are is why you love them. If you want to change them then you’re more in love with the idea of them than who they really are.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can or will inspire a person to be different. If you don’t love who they are, as is, you’re in the wrong relationship.
7. You chose the wrong person.
This might be the most difficult behavior to correct when it comes to dating. How do we know until we break up that we were with the wrong person for us? The first sign is recognizing if you’re on the same page. Do you want the same things? Do you have a similar timeline for your relationship? Are you getting along more often than you’re fighting? Choosing the wrong person to be with is probably the biggest mistake you made in your last relationship. To avoid making the same mistakes again promise yourself to only date people that want what you want.