We all experience moments of feeling inferior.
When no one is around and in the privacy of our own space we can feel powerful. And for most of the day we like ourselves but then there are moments when we’re afraid to share ourselves with others because we can’t handle the possible rejection.
I’ve developed a theory that most of our insecurities comes from the assumption that if others’ knew us, the real us, they wouldn’t like us. We’re afraid to be who we are because at some point in our lives that person was rejected. Maybe during childhood, or a bad relationship, you opened up then felt brutally rebuffed.
But in your heart you know that ‘you is smart, you is kind and you is important,’ so why can’t you relay that message in your courtships?
While we know dating is as much about liking someone else as it is about someone liking us, most of us only focus on half of the equation.
Before we know what hits us we’re jumping through hoops for potential dates. Why?
Why are you trying so hard to impress someone who you don’t even know much less know that you like?
We want validation.
What I mean by validation is not just acceptance and companionship but affirmation that we’re as special as we think we are.
The reason it’s so hard to come across as our truly amazing selves is because we just couldn’t handle someone calling bullshit on our claim.
If you consider yourself to be smart, interesting and kind it’s hard when others don’t want us. People who are good catches get caught don’t they? The longer you remain single the more likely you are to wonder, ‘If I were amazing, I’d be with someone right?’
But are you good at sharing the message of your value with others? Do you even know how it’s done?
Accept that you ARE fine with or without a partner.
We don’t always see being single as a choice. If we treat it like a curse that’s been thrust upon us, it’s easy to assume that being with someone, ANYONE is better than being alone. We reinforce these ideas by judging ourselves based on who rejects us instead of pursuing what we truly need to feel loved. When we meet someone that we think is important or special, we place more importance on them liking us instead of them knowing us.
But a partner isn’t going to make you rich, or financially responsible. A partner isn’t going to mend your relationships with your parents, siblings or stand up to your boss for you.
Your life is going to have to be important and fulfilling regardless of if you’re dating someone or not. The wrong person will only exacerbate what’s wrong in your life and create more insecurity for you.
What do you think is wrong with you?
It’s not a crazy question because you’re afraid that someone will find out this very thing about you and reject you because of it.
You can’t be awesome because you’re too busy trying to hide your flaws and wants as if no one knows they exist.
The world knows that you’re not perfect. If you had parents, you’re probably screwed up in some way, shape or form. And you need love.
Only YOU know what you need.
The only way to get what you need is to say what you need. You can’t be afraid that you’ll be rejected because the person that denies you of what you need will never be the right person for you.
If you’re dating someone who you’re serious about you have to be able to tell them when you’re happy and when you’re not. You have to share what you want without fear your request will be denied.
The problem lies with those who are unable to speak up for themselves. You’re going to feel exposed but you will feel unfulfilled if you don’t.
You are in control of your yes and no’s
If you feel pressured to say yes to something that doesn’t sit right with you, you’re not living your authentic life. You’re denying yourself. When you can’t say no because you’re afraid of being rejected you have already sold the script that you’re inferior.
You have to own your yes and no’s. You have to stick to your boundaries and allow others to get to know you by understanding where you stand. If you’re willing to bend once because you think it will please potential dates then you’ve planted the seed that your boundaries are flexible. And they shouldn’t be.
Say no when its easy because if you don’t you’ll never say it. It will never feel right because you’ll always worry that your first no will be your last. But you’re allowed to have preferences, and a good partner understands that.
Trying to change to accommodate a date means that you don’t feel like enough. But you ARE enough.
Your challenge is going to be ask questions, get to know potential dates and decide that they are worth your investment not the other way around. It’s important for others to like us but it’s more important for us to show others, from the start, that we ARE likeable.
Trust me, you are. Don’t be afraid to act like it.