Learn To Speak Up: Why It’s Important To Say How You Feel In Dating

Do you have a dating voice, and how loud is it?

I’ve always had one strategy in dating, if you piss me off to a certain point I’m never speaking to you again.

I know it sounds extreme but I’m easy to get along with. I’m pretty good at finding justifications, explanations and rationalizations when warranted. If your behavior can’t be excused don’t call me no more.The ability to talk about an issue has never been my forte.

Truth be told, I never thought the men that I dated cared enough about me (why else would they do what they did) to listen to my concerns. Why would they care now about my feelings if they didn’t care when they were doing XYZ? Also, what would it matter? If I didn’t feel like I was going to marry the guy what would be the point of having a heart to heart.

Why is it so important to say how you feel whether the other person cares or not? Whether it changes anything at all?

I read a book recently called Self-Creation by Dr. George Weinberg, in it he explains a principle that made some sense to me. What we do reinforces our reasons for doing it. If I didn’t share what I felt with a guy I was dating, it was most likely because I didn’t think he would care. According to the principle, every time I held my tongue I only reinforced this belief.

If the person you’re dating doesn’t care about what you have to say or you are afraid to say what’s on your mind you have to do some serious investigating to why. This isn’t just about voicing a complaint this is about being honest about what you want from the courtship.

I wrote about this topic in Tell The Truth, Why Protecting The Male ‘Ego’ Is A Waste Of Your Time

No one wants to feel bad by being the reason someone else feels bad. It’s hard to tell a man who you care about but maybe don’t have the same feelings for the truth. It’s even harder to tell some one that you do like that something is wrong, or that they are not fulfilling your needs completely.

Whatever the dilemma in what we feel, why do we find it so hard to speak up? How loud is your relationship voice?

Could it be stronger?

What I’ve learned from dating, more for a relationship and not just to date, is that if a man respects me, he’ll respect what I have to say. If he doesn’t, he’s not for me. I believe in fairness. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings but I also have to set boundaries. If you can’t be honest about how you feel, whether you think the person will run for the hills or not, you need to admit that that’s a problem.

Maybe you hate that your date texts constantly. They never give you their full attention and even when you ask them to stop they don’t.

Maybe you hate that the person you’re dating never makes the plans. You are constantly making plans and when they go anywhere they don’t invite you.

Maybe you want them to call you everyday, or return your calls more often.

Maybe you want to be in an exclusive relationship.

Whatever it is, slight or serious, you need to speak up. If there is something holding you back it’s important to figure out what that is. I can tell you if you’re afraid of rocking the boat or that this man will leave you if you irritate him, that’s a problem. Your needs are as important as anyone else’s and it’s not trivial if it’s on your mind.

I used to have a very quiet dating voice. I expressed more in my journal than to any man who I ever dated. I honestly thought they didn’t care. The more I held my feelings in the more my fears and beliefs were reinforced. Even when I was asked straightforward questions I couldn’t give honest answers. I was just too afraid.

Dating is full of fears but as we get older we need to confidently tackle each roadblock we face, why? Because making a connection is what truly matters and the only way to do that is to be authentic.

Making an omelet requires breaking some eggs as dating might require breaking some spirits. You can’t hold yourself accountable for everyone’s feelings when you’re sacrificing being honest about your own. I want you to have a voice in dating, and say what you feel as soon as you think it.

  1. Don’t hesitate
  2. Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing.
  3. Don’t make excuses for how you feel when you don’t have to.

If they don’t get it, maybe they just don’t get you. It’s okay to move on to someone else.

4 thoughts on “Learn To Speak Up: Why It’s Important To Say How You Feel In Dating

  1. Great article! (I always find myself saying that about your work. I wonder why that is…)

    I’ve been slowly but surely growing out of my bad habit of being a people-pleaser and conflict-avoider, so I can relate to your not wanting to voice your opinions. In my growth, I’ve seen the importance of speaking up, whether it’s inside a relationship or otherwise. You have to stand firm on your boundaries, and while actions do speak louder than words, you do have to verbalize them at times. Not speaking up not only hurts you because you allow your boundaries to be violated, but you also hurt the other person. Maybe I’m to considerate in saying this, but I’ve always believed that the other person involved deserves the chance to change. Whether they want to or will change is a different story, but it is a very selfish act to rob them of the opportunity. I, for one, would be very hurt myself if I had been hurting you the whole time but you never showed it or told me. If I care about you, yes I may hurt you inevitably, but I’m not going to do it on purpose.

    I know I always manage to get preachy when I respond, but this reminds me of something I heard during rehearsals for a play that my church is putting on at the end of the month. The director was asking his boss to borrow some flowers as props for the play. He was afraid of him lashing out at him, as he’d seen him curse people out for smaller things, but surprisingly was all for it. His advice to us when inviting people to the event was to not be faithless FOR someone else. Don’t create an answer or negative attitude FOR them. You ask them; it is up to them to say yes or no. So what am I saying here? Don’t be faithless for the other person. Don’t automatically assume the person doesn’t care about your feelings or needs. Just like in a previous article you wrote where you realized that if you’d have told your guy friend about your birthday, you know that he would have gotten you something, if a guy has any bit of decency about him, he will listen to your concerns. If you’re so sure that he “doesn’t care”, either he’s the wrong guy for you, or you might not care yourself.

  2. I used to be deathly afraid of speaking up with the people I was dating. I would just stop taking their calls when I felt disrespected which I only recently realized deeply hurt them. I should have been much more understanding that they were nice guys who inadvertently bruised my ego. I’m learning now that just because you make a mistake or make someone feel bad, emotionally bruised doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person and the relationship is over. There are somethings you need to talk about. Have the strength to be honest. If the other person likes you they will want to make the changes. We do need to have more faith in the people that pick us and the people that we choose. Its all about opening up to someone. Making a connection and getting to know the other person by their actions not our preconceptions. I always love when you comment, its so much food for thought.

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