A friend of mine brought concept to my attention that I had never thought of. A single man himself he noted that most men enjoy being single but they probably hate dating.
Now this piece of information shocked me because as an avid dater, I believed all men, specifically the ones I dated, enjoyed dating as much as I did. To my friends observation, not so.
The more I thought about this idea, the more it made sense to me.
After speaking with numerous single men, I understand why some men are serial monogamist. You know the type who bounce from from one relationship to another, like a frog to a lily pad. For men, it seems way easier to lock down a woman that you can guarantee you’ll have sex with than to chase unpredictable sex.
We all have that one friend who always seems to have a girlfriend and this is why.
Dating is work.
This isn’t news.
Dating requires planning, thought, dressing up possible and most of the time money. It takes effort, and although relationships are work, a relationship is more likely to yield a reward that just one date. In relationships, a half-ass effort is still better than nothing.
In dating however, it does not reward you for doing things half-assed; in fact it down right punishes you.
Culturally, men are required to put in much more work than women in the beginning of a courtship. Based on this pressure, we’re starting to see the rebellion from men to makes moves. Men are less likely today, than ever, to pursue women.
You might be wondering, how anyone gets into a relationship these day, well the truth is, many people don’t.
I completely sympathize with a man’s unwillingness to just date.
You don’t know when, if ever, you’ll have sex
You’re expected to initiate the dates
You don’t feel in control
There’s always a chance she might say, “I think we should be friends.”
Television shows like Entourage teach men across the globe, the freedom of being single. The fun that you can have being single is immeasurable, and your happiness hinges solely on your confidence. Feel good about yourself, and the dating world is your oyster.
The alternative is to suffer through the process wondering what the woman you’re dating really wants.
If I were a man, I would hate dating as well.
Men should know the truth; there are three typical reasons a woman will agree to go out with you.
She wants a relationship with you (she already knows it, unless you do something to change her mind)
She wants to have sex with you (she already knows it, unless you do something to change your mind.)
She doesn’t have sh*t else to do (or anyone else to do it with.)
Men have the unfortunate task of trying to determine one intention from another. Which can be incredibly difficult. That’s because to understand a woman’s intentions you must first fundamentally understand women.
If you want to get the most out of dating as a man, I suggest the following.
Stop taking women on dates.
At least formally.
When it comes to getting to know a woman, simply invite her to something that you’re already doing. I hate to admit that women aren’t that tough to impress. But they’re really not. They want to spend time with you, and if you’re not enough then they’re probably not that into you.
While culturally, formal dates have been the way that adults get to know each other, they are no longer necessary.
Times are changing. Dinner, and a movie aren’t dates for single people anymore. They’re a great idea when you’re in a relationship but before you know if you want to get exclusive with a woman, save your coins.
Not only am I a proponent of informal, and free dates, I think it’s time that we were more of ourselves. Invite a potential partner to join you doing something that you enjoy so that she can judge you on your passions and not your resume.
Stop hitting on women.
Stop hitting on women and just talk to them.
In the pick-up world, they call this the direct approach. State your intentions and the woman is either into it or not. Taking the concept a little further, say what you’d like to happen but don’t worry about if it happens or not.
Every interaction doesn’t need to turn into a date.
Speak to women like people, instead of conquests. You’ll be surprised how easy it can be to strike up a conversation with a stranger when you have no hidden agendas.
This is exactly what wingmen and women do, they spark conversations without asking anything from the person they’re speaking with. Sure, it’s an ask to hold someone’s attention but you don’t have to put pressure on yourself based on the outcome.
The conversation is the goal, not getting a date. While a conversation can turn into a date, it shouldn’t be the only reason that you speak women.
Stop being nice.
That might sound controversial, or against the gentleman code of conduct but it’s so easy to want to be nice read compliant, instead of just being yourself. Instead of being nice to women, be honest. Be bold. Be attentive, and aware of her needs as well as yours.
Just don’t be nice because it’s safer than going after what you really want.
Don’t buy the drink if you don’t want to. Don’t give the compliment if you don’t want to. Don’t hold yourself to her standards, find your own.
What women hate, is when you hide your agenda behind a veil of niceties. When you are too eager to please, instead of eager to lead.
Don’t think of nice as a badge of honor, and stop being nice when there so many more effective adjectives. I hope this was helpful.