5 COMMON FIRST DATE TURN-OFFS

first date couple

first date couple

I’ve said it once or twice but I will say it again. The purpose of the first date is to get a second date.

It’s no different than getting an interview once you apply for a new job. The application might get you through the door but the interview is what get’s you hired. What I want you to understand is that you are not the applicant, you’re doing the hiring.

When single men and women fail to get a second date it’s likely because they’ve made these common mistakes.

Gossiping 

Nothing is more distracting on a date than talking about someone else. I heard the quote,” If your eyes didn’t see it your mouth shouldn’t say it.”

Now of course this is very general. There is no harm in talking about news or current events that you’ve recently read about. There is no harm in making a joke or two about celebrities or public figures that you find interesting. What you must avoid however is making someone else’s life more interesting than your own, which is what gossip does. Speaking of someone else’s business implies that you have no business of your own.

Gossip makes you seem petty and worst of all boring.

A good rule of thumb about first date conversation is to listen more than you speak. Ask the right questions, follow up with more questions then question the answers. The goal is put your date on the platform and allow them to tell you about who they are so you can decide if they’re worth pursuing. Be attentive and engaged.

When you are talking, speak only about the things your passionate about. Don’t speak about anyone or anything in a negative light if you can help it.

Gossip is for those who have nothing better or smarter to say. That’s not you so avoid all gossip altogether.

Complaining

You do not have the right to complain. No matter how bad your life is, or how shitty your day was, your date is not free dumping ground for your woes. There is an upside to everything and its your job to find it. You can see the glass half full or half empty but you don’t have the right to complain about the contents, at least you have a glass.

Your words have power. When you complain you are creating negative energy.

Complaining about what’s wrong and what you don’t like makes you appear to be a miserable person. You don’t have the right to make your date miserable as well just because you are. The first date should be about having fun. You haven’t agreed to the date to see if the two of you are soul mates. You agreed to the date to see if the two of you could have fun together. The first date answers one critical question: do you enjoy each other’s company?

So should you hide you feelings and experiences to seem happy and cheerful? Absolutely! A date is no place to air your woes, try therapy. The first date is about experiencing a great time with someone new. If you can’t place your troubles aside for a few hours then you have no business dating until you can.

Arguing

There is no way to win an argument and keep a friend. In this century you can always Google a fact. If you have a difference of opinion with a date then make a note of it. It’s possible that you’re not compatible. The point of the date is to earn a second date but with contrarian beliefs you might not want one.

Arguing with your date just makes you domineering, argumentative and unlikeable.

If you can’t be empathetic to why your date has a varying opinion or an opinion at all then ask yourself why it means so much another person agree with you. There are various ways to disagree but there are no good ways to argue.

If you find yourself getting physically affected by a conversation, and worked up over a disagreement then take a deep breath and end that line of conversation. There is no argument worth a good date.

Feel free to debate topics that might be controversial and divisive but don’t argue about them. You want to win your date over or at least be understanding to their point of view. There is no way to win an argument. Even when you’re right, you’ve made the other person feel embarrassed, angry or isolated by your opinions. It’s fine to disagree but it’s not fine to try to be right at your date’s expense.

Indifference

They say the opposite of love is indifference. If you don’t have an opinion, try to find one before your next first date.

The worst dates are with those who haven’t chosen a side or picked a preference. You never want to come across as someone who can’t make a decision. If your life is a chorus of, “It doesn’t matter, I don’t care,” and the dreaded, “It’s fine,” your date is doomed to find you boring.

  • Do your best to speak up on your date.
  • Yes and no are your friends.
  • Don’t act indifferent when you do mind.
  • Let your date know what you want and what you like, that way they can give it to you.

Your date is trying to get to know you as well as you them. Being indifferent doesn’t make you easy going it makes you hard to read. It’s important to have an opinion and to share it when asked.

Bragging

You are not auditioning on your date. The common practice on the first date is to tell the other person how wonderful you are. Unfortunately, what we think is great about ourselves isn’t always the most interesting and/or intriguing qualities to others. Let your date find out what they like about you on their own. It’s far more rewarding than spelling it out for them.

We all have aspects of our lives that we’re proud of and I’m sure you have numerous achievements to share but save that for date number two.

Create a connection with your date then share your accomplishments. The beauty of dating is that as you get to know each other better, all of the good facts eventually rise to the service. There are no good qualities that stay a mystery for long.

You don’t need to list your accomplishments for your date just to impress them. You are a wonderful person because of your heart and the way you love. No list of achievements trumps that.

I hope this was helpful.

miss solomon

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5 Reasons Your Last Date Failed

When you’re single, the one question that you can’t help but ask yourself is ‘what went wrong?’

Everyone wants to know why things don’t work out between someone we think is perfect. Was it something you did, said, or were they seeing someone else.

You can’t help but wonder was it you? Or them?

When I started this blog my intentions were to share with men what I thought they did wrong in dating. I was going on lots of dates and passing on every guy that was pursuing me. I consider myself a catch so I thought I was doing a service to men, sharing with them my insights.

Having been in the advice game a few years now, I’ve come to realize that what goes for men equally apply to women because people are people. Human nature is such that there are some tricks that either always work or always fail.

If you do any of the following you’re setting yourself up for failure when it comes to dating the person you desire.

Now before you start to object, understand that this isn’t meant to make you feel bad, these tips are meant to make you a better dater.

Wouldn’t you rather be the person doing the dissing than the one being dismissed?

I thought so.

1.    Your expectations are too high

You can’t determine someone else’s actions. No matter what you think you deserve, the boundaries you set or how you feel you should be treated you can’t make someone else drink the Kool Aid if they don’t want to. Chill out. We all have to accept that what we want isn’t always what we get. It takes a mature person to keep expectations reasonable.

2.    You’re not what they’re looking for

While you may consider yourself a 10, the person you’re dating slightly disagrees. There are some people with a crisp, clean vision of their ideal partner. You ain’t it. The sad part is with a little research and self-awareness you could be. What you want and what your potential date is looking for is an easy marriage when you understand attraction and chemistry. Because at the end of the day once you have chemistry, your date will take the time to investigate who you are before they make a decision to end things with you.

3.    You weren’t enough of a challenge

You gave it up too easily, whatever “it” was. Maybe it was your time, your body, your affection, you name it, you gave it up without a fight. When we’re dating, we want to know that someone likes us for who we are. You want to know that the person you’re dating is doing something for you because they know you and they like you. Without getting to know a person you’re offering precious parts of yourself without a challenge and it turns your potential date off.

4.    You want too much too soon

The key to successful relationships is patience. If you can’t let intimacy come in its own time you can come across as needy or desperate. If you have a timeline of when you want to be in a relationship, meet the parents, announce an anniversary or make it official, you’re putting your courtship in jeopardy.

5.    Someone else beat you to it

The perfect partner you think you’ve met has already met someone else. Maybe they weren’t sure if this person was going to be the “one” or possibly they were scared that they would. Either way, the one waiting in the wings has beaten you to the relationship punch. You have to understand that when it comes to dating timing is everything. If you don’t meet at the right time, there is nothing you can do.

Who likes you and who doesn’t can be controlled by you. Your ability to turn a potential date off can easily be channeled into the ability to turn your date on. When you begin to understand one side of the fence, you can position yourself to the other.

Thoughts?

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Everything You Need To Know About A Great First Date

Have you ever asked yourself, “Do they like me?” or “Will I see them again?” after a first date?

Assuming that you were slightly interested in the romantic possibilities with this person when you planned the date, afterwards you might have many questions running through your mind.

Doubts really; about how they felt about you and the date overall.

These feelings are completely naturally but absolutely detrimental to first date success. What single men and women don’t seem to know or realize is: The point of a first date is to get a second date.

Matchmaker, author and relationship expert Rachel Greenwald describes it best in an excerpt from her best-selling book,

“Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back”

The Goal of a First Date

Here’s a little multiple-choice quiz: What’s the goal of a first date?

a.)To allow *your date to get to know you, or to
b.)To get *your date to want a second date with you?

The answer, in my opinion, is B. If your first instinct was to say A, stop and consider something for a moment. No one can accurately assess a person on a first date, no matter how astute they their instincts are.

People behave abnormally (either a little or a lot) on first dates because they’re either nervous, cynical, overeager, shy, keeping their guard up, having a bad day or drinking too much. How many times have you jumped to negative conclusions about somebody new (a coworker or neighbor, for example), only to end up liking that person later?

A *person cannot really determine on a first date that you are warm, kind, brilliant, interesting, and great at math. What a *person can determine on a first date is whether *they’re attracted to you and intrigued enough by you to want to know the real you. The problem is that *they won’t meet the real you (and you won’t meet the real them) If *they don’t want a second date.

…The point is not to change any of the qualities that make you you, but rather to keep the ball in your court.

All of us would like to think we are special (I’m very happy that you were hugged as a child), but most of us are the rule, not the exception. While you may be willing to put all your cards on the table on a first date (talk about your ex and your stint seeing a therapist), it isn’t a good idea.

First of all, typical first dates are with strangers or people we don’t know very well. Those who have no distinction between what they would tell a stranger and their closest friends are weirdos not received well. It isn’t natural or expected to be so open about your personal life, especially with a person that you don’t really know.

When singles share extremely personal information on a first date, they are asking their date to do what most people hate doing; care. Why should they care about anything you say? Who are you to them?

On a first date your goal is to build desire, chemistry, excitement, intrigue and interest in getting to know you. What you should divulge on a first date is the preview to the academy-award winning movie that is your life. Giving only the highlights, tidbits and most fascinating sound bites. When the night is over, the only question on your mind should be ,“Do I want to see them again?”

Once you succeed on a first date, you can bet that this person will want to see you.

*words were changed to be more gender neutral

Thoughts?

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