This article is for anyone who struggles to get a second date.
Maybe you’re not getting dates because you’re too nice.
This is not another post about the problem with nice men or women. The reality is, there is such a thing as being “too nice”. If that’s you, it’s a solvable problem. Nice being a word that stand alone isn’t a bad thing at all. What makes the label of being “nice” a problem is when you’re left not getting what you want. Imagine that you meet someone for the first time and you want to get to know them. You also want to have a good time, so you decide that being as amiable as possible is the best way to make this happen. You’re excited about the date, but you’re also nervous about doing something wrong, like saying the wrong thing or embarrassing yourself.
Things seem to go well but it doesn’t lead anywhere. In fact, you never hear from them again. What happened? You had such a great time.
If you’re not getting the results that you want from dating, it could be that you’re too “nice.” I’m sure you’ve considered the possibility but don’t assume that the opposite of being too nice is being a jerk, or a bitch. It’s not. In fact, being nice as it relates to dating usually means being ambivalent. Being too eager, or willing to go with the decisions and preferences of someone else instead of making decisions for yourself. You might be too nice if the following applies to you but there is something you can do about it. So are you too nice in dating?
Do you openly speak up about what you want?
Sometimes we don’t ask for what we want because we just don’t know what that is. We also fear that by asking for something specific we miss out the other possibilities. There is also the fear that if ask for something specific and we don’t like it, we’ll be stuck with it. It’s much easier to let someone else take the lead, and just tell us what we can have. Stop that.
The truth is, you are a person filled with wants and desires. That’s ok. That’s what makes us human. You have to own the ability to express those desires to people who matter to you. You have to know how to speak up. One way to do it. Answer honestly.
If you’re holding back an answer because you don’t think it fits with what someone else wants, then you’re being too nice. You have preferences. You have wants. If the truth of those desires are behind your lips, speak them out. Make it habit, not just in dating but all the time. Notice when you’re not answering honestly. Notice when you’re replacing I don’t care, or I don’t know with the real answer, then you’re being too nice.
Do you let people choose for you?
Dating feels like a waiting game. It can feel like we have to sit on the sidelines and let other people tell us what we get to have. It can feel like our desires rock the boat instead of guiding us. But other people will never put us first in dating. Other people will never prioritize our happiness before they get to know us. So you have to decide that you’re willing to hear what people have to offer but choose for yourself whether you want it or not. Don’t let other people choose for you.
Do you answer honestly?
Sure is your enemy. Yes, or no are the most powerful words in dating. Even more powerful than I love you. Your ability to say yes, to what you want and no to what you don’t is a strength. If you can really own this then you can shed the “nice” label for good.
We don’t get to choose who we love or who loves us back.
Do you feel powerful?
There is no rule in dating that you have to sit on the sidelines. Power is often synonymous with confidence but you don’t need one to have the other. confidence is fleeting. Confidence comes in the security of a certain outcome and in dating there is no such thing as security. You can still have power but the harm in being “nice” is not wanting it. If you really don’t want the burden of choosing for yourself, or speaking up for yourself then you can’t ever feel powerful and that is the real problem.
It’s not anyone’s responsibility to make dating easy, or fun for you. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to date you. You have to sort of make it happen by helping it along. You have to want to have it happen and want it more than you fear it.