7 Reasons It’s Definitely You, Not Them

7 signs its you not them

Who is to blame when the relationship doesn’t work out?

In most cases the other person might present a case that it’s their schedule or relationship readiness that is the cause of the separation but they’re just being nice.

It’s definitely you.

You have to take complete control of the image you’re presenting to the world. You have to be clear on the message you’re sending. When it comes to desire, you have to know how to create desire in others for you.

If you aren’t making a compelling case for why someone should date you then they probably won’t do it for long. They will stop returning your texts, rarely call then tell you that they need space.

More popularly they might ghost you altogether. Leaving you no crumbs to follow or indication of what really went wrong. When a non-relationship, flirtationship or situationship ends, it’s ultimately the sign that you weren’t compatible.

You might have contributed to the demise but it wasn’t totally your fault. If you committed the following felonies take not and try to avoid doing them again.

  1. YOU WERE BORING.

It’s common for single men and women to complain that the opposite sex is boring. What does that mean? Being boring means you’re predictable and lack a sense of adventure. It could mean that you lack passions or interesting hobbies. Boring can also mean that you don’t stimulate any particular feelings such as lust, compassion, or curiosity in your partner.

If you’re described as boring it means that the other person did all of the work. They entertained themselves in the relationship. You failed to create the level of spontaneity to keep the relationship exciting.

We all want to learn something from other people either about our culture or ourselves. We want to become better people and those we find boring don’t make us better people.

They don’t expand our horizons because it appears that they haven’t expanded theirs. Even when the most educated people cross our paths if they lack passion and curiosity for others we perceive them as boring.
How do you avoid being boring?

  • Talk less.
  • Ask probing questions.
  • Be adventurous.
  • Laugh and smile.
  • Avoid neediness
  • Keep your partner guessing.

There is no limit to how you can expand a person’s horizons but you first have to want to.

2. THERE WAS NO ATTRACTION

Compatibility is only one half of the equation in relationships and chemistry is the other. Attraction isn’t about good looks or sex appeal, although they can help.

Attraction is about stirring the right emotions in someone else. It’s about making the other person feel more attractive and sexy than they did before. If the attraction wanes as you continue to date someone then it’s your responsibility to recreate the initial chemistry. If a potential date or partner loses their attraction to you, which happens, it could mean that you failed to get to know them intimately.

Failing to build intimacy is a common reason relationships fail. If you have no intimacy then you have no attachment. Without attachment the other person can walk away from you without a second thought. There is no chemical compulsion to stay.

If you don’t consider yourself attractive or a sensual person then the alternative to being sexy is to get to know your partner better than they know themselves. Anticipate their needs, be thoughtful and generous and most importantly, be a good listener. We think we know our partners but we don’t.

If you fail to retain trivial information that matters to the person you’re dating, you come across as insincere.

 
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By failing to get to know them better, pushing past their initial guard and building intimacy, it translates, as you don’t care about them. You seem like a person that is only out for yourself and to have a partner. You seem as someone who would accept anyone and this doesn’t make your date feel special.

Making your date feel special is the best way to increase chemistry and intimacy. In order to figure out how to do that you must know your date.

3. YOU ACTED DESPERATE/THIRSTY

We tend to think we know what desperation looks like in dating but often it masks itself as impatience, jealousy and high expectations. Your behavior could unknowingly be sending the message that you’re desperate, even when you aren’t.

If you find yourself acting desperately in a relationship it’s likely that you’re just excited about the potential of your relationship. It isn’t always the result of having been single for a long time or being inexperienced in dating.

Desperation, aka thirst, happens when we want more than we have to give.
The conversation of value has to be had when it comes to desperation. No matter how wonderful of a person you are if you act desperate, needy, impatient, or “too nice” you will be labeled desperate. There has to be a certain challenge in dating you.

Standards if you will.

What’s also tricky about desperation is that we don’t always feel desperate. We think we’re just making it easy to date us. We aren’t putting up the typical roadblocks and challenges that we normally would but this often has an undesired effect.

Instead of being seeing as accommodating, we are seen as desperate.
So to avoid coming across as desperate you have to play the dating game. Don’t know what that is or feel anti-game playing?

It’s not a bad thing.

 
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The game is something we play because human behavior is so irrational when it comes to dating. We move too quickly and establish too few boundaries with people that we don’t know all for the sake of chemistry.
Playing the dating game is a way to establish your perceived value. By setting a standard for how you want to be dated you filter the right people from the wrong people. Those who have no filtering process come across as desperate.

You have to appear to have met your own needs and view dating as a luxury not as a necessity. Desperation also sends the message that you would settle for anyone showing you attention or filling a void, this fails to make your partner feel special and eventually they will move on.

4. YOU WERE TOO NICE

Being too nice in dating doesn’t mean you gave more or were selfless. The idea of nice and kind being synonymous does not apply in dating.

A “nice” person in the dating world is someone who fails to claim an identity. Someone who is so malleable and ambivalent that they just want what you want, which we all know is not the case.

Being called nice in dating means you haven’t established your own identity clearly enough to be called anything else. Those who are too nice in dating often suppress their true desires, thoughts and preferences.

They are afraid to rock the boat, set boundaries or have their needs met first before jumping to the aid of their partner.

A person that is too nice is often afraid that they won’t get what they want unless they cater to their partner’s needs. Men and women who are too nice don’t speak up enough. They don’t take risks in the relationship. Mostly they don’t set boundaries when they should.

You are an individual and the best thing you can do for your love life is to learn how to convey who you are to anyone you meet. If you’re labeled “too nice” then you aren’t sharing the value of your identity with the world.

Hone your USP and learn to accurately share who you are, what you believe and your value and dismiss anyone who doesn’t respect that identity.

5. YOU MISSED THE SIGNS

Every healthy relationship needs a level of intuition and awareness to survive. It’s not always possible to tell your partner how you’re feeling; so we hint or give subtle clues. The ability to pick up on these slight communications keeps you deeply in tuned with the person you’re dating.

When communication breaks down it’s these indirect hints that let you know where your relationship stands. Often we miss these cues due to our own self-involvement.

Other times we ignore them because they are too hard to face. When a relationship ends you should never be blindsided. If anything, you were blind to what your partner had repeatedly told you or asked of you because you wanted to avoid conflict.

We are all given subtle clues in our relationships either from the person that you’re dating or from our own intuition.
If you are out of sync with your relationships then a breakup will come as a shock or a surprise. If that’s the case it’s likely that you weren’t fulfilling your partner’s needs.

Be brave enough to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship. Ask them if there is anything you could do better? Let them know what you would prefer that they do better.

Don’t assume that the relationship is perfect because none are. There will always be challenges and room for improvement when two individuals join as one.
If you’re paying attention to your relationship, you will need to have difficult conversations from time to time. Checking in with your partner prevents missing the small and subtle clues of discontent.

If you’re oblivious to the state of your relationship then your partner will likely be unfilled and they will stop dating you.

6. YOU WEREN’T CURIOUS

Tony Robbins has famously said, “Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” The state of your relationship boils down to the questions that you ask. This isn’t always easy. It’s much easier to ignore the awkward questions that could lead to intimacy. We have walls up and it feels safer to keep them up but curiosity breaks them down.

Curiosity is the strong desire to know or learn something. No desire should be stronger than to know and learn about the person that you’re dating. If you fail to get to know enough about your partner, by having a healthy curiosity, then you come across aloof or self-absorbed.

7. YOU CHOSE THE WRONG PERSON

There is no substitute for choosing the right person. The best way to assure success in dating is by choosing partners who have your best interest at heart.

We often chase partners who are players, predators or those who make dating seem exciting.
We also choose partners based on their ability to fulfill our current needs. This type of selection doesn’t lead to a lasting relationship. When you break up with a love, or someone stops responding to your texts, they’re the wrong person for you and vice versa.

This thought makes us question our intuition. When we get into the wrong relationship we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I know better?”

We can’t always see the warning signs that our chosen partner isn’t the right fit for us. This is something you see in hindsight. You have to learn that lesson over time. It isn’t always an easy lesson to learn.

When someone breaks up with you it’s obvious then that you’ve chosen the wrong person but how could you have known sooner? Just as it’s smart to check in with your partner to make sure that their needs are met, it’s also necessary to check in with yourself.

Long before a relationship ends both parties are somewhat aware that it should.
There are clues and indicators that your needs are being met. If you stay with a partner that isn’t making you happy then you’re settling. Once it ends, it’s probably for the best. Consider that this person did you a favor by having the courage to step away when necessary.

You should’ve ended the partnership long before but for personal reasons, likely ego driven, you held on.
The moment you’re unhappy in a relationship it’s important to start asking better questions of yourself to find out what you’re unhappy about.

Don’t wait for your partner to walk away before you start evaluating the state of the courtship.
If you know what you want and what you’re asking for, instead of settling for what others are willing to give you, then you will be the one ending any bad situationship, relationship or the like. No one will disappear from your life that you didn’t want gone in the first place.

If your current crush or lover is drifting away, double check that you’re avoiding these mistakes. I hope this was helpful.

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4 Comments

  1. So for a little over a couple months now, I’ve been getting to know a guy who is a few years younger then me. Because of my past experiences, I really wanted to take things slow. We were friends for the majority of the time. It was obvious that we both had an interest in each other. I know he had broken up with a long term girlfriend early in the year, and I’m still scared from some past experiences but that didn’t stop us from getting intimate with one another. He would always tell me I’m beautiful and interesting. He would always make time for me when I asked him and vice versa. Recently we became a little too intimate. It isn’t something I normally do so soon, but I’ve never found someone who treats me as good as he does. Although it could just be him being smooth. And after that, the communication hasn’t been what it used to be from his part. For a couple days it wasn’t happening too much but we were both a bit busy n then he told me his phone broke, and other things are piling up on him. At this point though, I realize I’m getting attached so once in a while I send him some messages for when he does get a new phone to read them, if his phone is really broken that is. Yesterday, we communicated through social media and he said some endearing things, and he made it seem like he wants to continue this whole thing. But although there are ways he can get in contact with me even just once a day, he hasn’t done so recently and before we would communicate every day so I’m not used to not talking to him. I am not the type of girl who acts crazy when having feelings for someone but inside, my anxiety gets the best of me. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m told some things but the truths are other things. I would like your opinion on this matter. I don’t want to come off too needy but I don’t want to wait for someone who is showing false interest in me. I want to take it slow and enjoy the little things, but I don’t have time to put my energy in someone who is leading me on and playing games.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I understand what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re getting mixed signals from him. I suggest deciding what you want him from him more communication, a relationship, a friendship etc and ask him if there is any interest on his part for that type of relationship. It’s up to you to decide whether you continue to deal with him if the two of you aren’t on the same page. Don’t be afraid of the hard questions. It’s important that you get on the same page even if that means getting to the point. Don’t guess anymore, just ask him if he’s willing to give you what you want. I hope this was helpful.

  2. Nice article! I would have to agree with all of your points especially about “Nice Guys”. I hear a lot of “He’s nice”, but it’s not what girls really want. It’s really tough to break away from that. I hope many guys are able to figure out what they really want and not worry about what she wants.