the dating truth dating advice

If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

Are you tired of being single?

How many times have you met a guy, had a decent interaction or even a great date then waited and waited for him to make the next move? Maybe the man you’re dating now is spending alot of time with you but won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment. How do you get into a relationship? Let a man pursue you.

Have you ever heard the saying: People want what they can’t have?

I see it alot in dating. When a woman meets a man who acts aloof or ambiguous about dating her he instantly becomes incredibly desirable. Instead of being patient and strategic in her dating most women become impatient and borderline desperate.

Even worse, they settle for treatment that is less than they deserve.

This post has been edited since it was originally published for two reasons.

1. I had more to say.

2. There was some confusion about the meaning of pursuit.

It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man. She may flirt with him, ask for his number and even plan and pay for the date. I don’t know why a woman would want to do all of that but I am not discouraging it by any means.

What typically happens in dating is this: you meet a guy, he’s great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him but he’s dropping the ball. His behavior is unpredictable. He isn’t calling as much as he should, he isn’t being aggressive in the relationship and it almost seems like he’s avoiding commitment.

When a man shows disregard for the relationship is the point when women find themselves wondering, “What should I do?”

It’s a natural instinct in women to want to do something instead of just sitting back and enjoying the courtship and allowing themselves to be pursued. There are some women who aren’t sure what this would look like. They always text first, call first or initiate making plans because they are afraid if they don’t then plans won’t be made or they won’t hear from the guy they’re dating.

That sucks. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling, texting or advancing the relationship then you’re just not dating the right guy.

Tell yourself that you’re only going to date men who pursue you. Why? Because you deserve it.

You should only date the men who approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again. If you want to be more proactive and ask men out or hit on men then by all means do it. The women who pursue men either enjoy it, have control issues or are successful at it.

Approaching a man, making the first move or flirting isn’t the same as pursuing. I don’t believe women should ask men on dates and I don’t believe that a woman should call any man that she wants a serious relationship with. I will be real with you, 100%.

I’ve called men. I’ve asked men out. I’ve offered my name and number on a platter and made dating me the difficulty level of Candyland. I’ve gone on several dates where I pursued the man and after all that still didn’t end up with a boyfriend.

When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out and he will do so respectfully. Men may seem incapable of courtship but trust me, you don’t want a man that isn’t. You don’t want t man who doesn’t recognize how special you. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurity that he can’t call you or text for you a date. You don’t want a man who doesn’t have the awareness or sensibility to pursue a high quality woman such as yourself.

Dating is one thing but getting a relationship starts with first choosing a man who wants to be in one. There is no amount of pursuit or cajoling you can offer that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one. Even if you are successful it’s a ton of work and the relationship will probably suck.

Why would you want to work that hard to get a man to be with you? Women have to chill with the idea that dating is so complicated and scary that we need to make it easy on men by doing all or most of the pursuing, inviting and initiating.

Stop making excuses for a courtship that is bullshit.

This idea might sound old-fashioned but consider this. We all have our personal version of what dating looks like. If you’re taking the reigns from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality. A man will show you who he is by how he dates you and communicates with you. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing that side of him.

My point is this: There is nothing wrong with letting a man pursue you. Not only are you worth it, men are happy to do it because you value his efforts. Men are excited and proud to be with a woman who has let him be himself. It takes patience to allow a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.

When it comes to having a relationship there is a difference between being aggressive and doing all of the work. You can meet a man halfway but don’t let the man you’re dating get away with being lazy. This isn’t unusual. My fear is that if a woman wants a relationship badly enough she will settle for less than she deserves.

Even when you know it doesn’t feel right, and that you would appreciate more effort on his part, you don’t speak up because you don’t want to chase him. That’s is no way to spend your life.

If a man doesn’t want to do what you require in order for him to date you then he might not be the man for you and that’s ok. Think of the time you’ll save yourself by letting the behavior speak for itself. I suggest, when it comes to relationships, to let the man take the lead. Let the man you’re dating show you who he is and if he’s ready for commitment. If he doesn’t value you enough to do what it takes to keep you happy then do yourself a favor and walk away. I hope this was helpful.

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  • Great advice except for the fact that it does not work. If I were to follow your advice I would have no relationship at all. I NEVER get seriously pursued by men.

    • Ms. Soja – Take heart! You have not been taught how to lie, trick and manipulate.Just being yourself is going to land you your great guy because you are NOT going to play stupid games, but honestly let him know that you are interested.

      • Thank you for the comment Ennis! There are no tricks to attraction. If a woman wants the attention of a man, his pursuit and desire there are no tricks, lies or manipulations involved. You can be yourself but you have to be really, really good at letting other people know who that person is. And you have to be comfortable with the idea that you will attract some people that you don’t want while attracting those that you do.

        • Thanks for the giggle in this article. Clearly you yourself have no idea how you and your fellow women work and what you respond to. You’re merely adhering to what society and media have told you. If you want to know what works for men AND women, YouTube Coach Corey Wayne. I’m in no way affiliated with him. He just knows what works.

          Men pursue to a point, but in the end, it’s feminine nature to reach out, pursue, and to need reassurance. Educate yourself before you post stuff like this, please! This kind of stuff misleads men and women. Best of luck sweetheart.xx

          • Thank you for your comment. I’m familiar with Cory Wayne. I think there are different ways people can receive and apply advice. It doesn’t resonate for everyone but my approach to ask myself, “What would I want to hear and what would be helpful to me?” I can do that because it’s my blog. If other people like it, and it helps them then that is wonderful. This is not a course in dating, it’s my insights. I’m open to anyone who disagrees.

    • Thank you for the comment, Soja. I know for a fact that attraction is what motivates human beings to initiate contact. If you aren’t attracting the right attention from the right men then what you need is a better strategy and method of attraction. Since we attract who we are being positive, approachable, helpful, and open will attract men who are confidant and willing to pursue women. If you never attract men, start by deciding that you want to. Think about the type of men that you want to attract then be open to their attention.

      • Ok I know this post is a little old but…. I would like to attract this guy’s interest but he lives on new York myself in Cali… He works for one of the biggest television networks. Just as well were successful just on two diff spectrums he travels around the world just as i do, by our srlves seems as though. He was in a magazine as an eligible bachelor. I was just curious as to see if I would get picked out of thousands of applicants for this bachelor to meet. So I wrote in. Surprisingly he chose me as one of the women he wanted to meet. Due to my nursing schedule and school I was not able to attend his bday. I know most men really only pay attention to what’s infront of their face… he said if I was in NY to hit him up, … super nervous cause its been awhile sense we last chatted and i donr know what to talk him about . should I even try ??? Aaaahhhh

        • Hi there, thank you so much for your comment. Of course you should try! What I think is so funny is that most single people believe that love is luck but when something lucky happens to them they doubt it. He chose you and contacted you. He made an attempt to see you that’s awesome. Think about what you want and if this man fits that ideal. If he does then pursue a friendship with him. Get to know him. Don’t make any assumptions that the relationship will just blossom into romance but it doesn’t hurt to build something casual and have fun. If you really want it or if it’s meant to be then things will align. New opportunities might bring him to Cali or you to New York. Be open minded and believe. Believe in the serendipity of life. Believe that you deserve this amazing guy and don’t worry about the future. Stay connected to him without expectation and let the courtship unfold. I hope this was helpful.

    • there a way to delete your comment!? I wish there was so you could really let this all sink in for you. What works for you, works for you. Who doesn’t want the pleasure of being with a man who is doing the pursuing?! It’s a wonderful feeling that you will not see if you do not practice patience. Maybe previous relationships have not worked out for you, or maybe the men you’ve been dating are not truly into making you a priority…but if the opposite truly works for you, maybe you should write an article on that? Idk..I just hope that you realize that although no man is perfect, in his pursuit it should be him showing you that you’re worthy & not you doing all the chasing..

      • Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree with you. I know the word pursue has different connotations, but the point is that the relationship should be reciprocal. I love when other readers can add perspective to another’s situation. Patience plays a huge rule in allowing pursuit but the key isn’t to sit and home and wait for a man to always call or show you attention. Allowing a man to pursue you just means let him lead or guide the relationship so that you aren’t guessing how he feels. It doesn’t mean to withhold your emotions or act disinterested, it simple means to be patient, as you mentioned, and let the man take the lead. I appreciate your comment, you made some great points, and thank you for reading.

    • That is so true in this day and time she game changed men act as if they don’t care about any woman or dating they have no respect for any woman , if they ask u out and your trying to not be excited or like pushy they will not want to ask again they go on to the next ones I do know this they say we men can have any woman they want

  • Your opinion reflects everything that is wrong with society. What about men who are shy and can’t approach people? Some men simply can’t, they have a condition called social anxiety that prevents them from doing so, and to “man up” and “grow a pair” is not easy like flicking a switch. Why do they have to get left in the dust and live life alone because of their condition?! It’s a TWO WAY STREET.

    The funny thing is you women seem to want your cake and eat it too. Women need to, no, they HAVE TO pursue men just as much. You want equal rights, well this is what comes with it. End of discussion

  • I find the statements made on this page to be incredibly problematic. Frankly, you are carelessly spewing sexist and archaic ideologies that succumb to bullshit gender roles and binaries. Please, these are not the kinds of messages that should be sent to women..especially young girls. Many men find it incredibly refreshing and alluring to be pursued by a confident woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin to take charge of her life. Little girls and women of all ages alike need to be encouraged to go for what they want, rather than be told to passively stand by and hope it works out or rely on others to take action for them.

    • Thank you for taking the time to share your voice even though you may disagree. Its important to keep in mind that my opinion will never and should never replace anyone’s personal choice. I don’t share advice that I haven’t practiced in my own life and found success with. I feel that everyone has the right to decide what works best for them.

      • Thank you for both the article and this comment. I think you are getting negative responses because you are speaking the truth.
        And any women who’s been the chaser for years after years will find success in this advice.
        If someone wants you in his life, he will put you there and if not, well why waste the. RIGHT ON, love bug. This article is the truth of the dating world we now live in.
        Much love and beauty to ya

        • Thank you for your comment and kind words. The most important thing to understand about any advice is that if you take action you’ll know whether it works or doesn’t work. Dating takes a mutual investment and it takes two willing participants if a man is pursuing a woman she in turn gives him affirmation that she’s interested. That’s the way dating should be in my opinion. Thank you again.

  • Miss Solomon,
    Are you married? Your words only become credible for me when you become married. I hope not to be disrespectful, but expressing my thoughts. If what you are preaching has not helped you in your pursuit ( haha), I can’t take you seriously.

    • Thank you for your question. No, I’m not married but my site isn’t about marriage. It’s not even about committed relationships. My advice is intended for single men and women who have trouble meeting potential dates and building deep connections. The real and more appropriate question is: I am happy? Am I successful in my pursuits and the answer, to both, are yes. It’s a very damaging narrative that marriage = happiness or success and I try to encourage readers to find happiness and success as a single person first before they aspire to marriage.

  • As a guy, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only going to date women who pursue me. Why? Because I deserve it. 🙂

    • Thanks for the comment and although it might have been written to be facetious I think you have a point. We always get what we feel we deserve so if I were you I would let women pursue me. If that’s what you want, you do deserve it. Once you commit to that desire, it will happen. I absolutely believe that.

  • I agree with all that miss Solomon has said . VERY WISE! It’s the best input I’ve ever read on women pursuing men.
    In my opinion,
    Men like to conquer by nature.
    Conquer power, conquer fame, conquer wealth and conquer women .
    How can women conquer a men????
    That is the toughest question in my head….

  • I meant to say at the end:
    How can a woman conquer a man?
    Is it possible at all?
    To conquer and to pursue …
    Is love a game?
    Life sometimes seems complicated….

    • Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. That’s a great question, how can a woman conquer a man and can she? The answer is very complicated. It’s hard to explain in one post but sometimes our motivations aren’t always clear, even to us. When women “pursue” men, it’s rarely their natural instinct, they usually do it out of fear. We pursue men because we are afraid that if we don’t we won’t get what we want. One of my favorite quotes is: you can’t get it done and you can’t get it wrong meaning that when you want something it’s not completely up to you make it happen. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way and just let it happen. I’m hoping that women can get out of their own way and allow men to take the lead. The right man will.

  • not chasing after men worked better for me than chasing (after men). If you chase them they will use you, disrespect you and it will be the end of the story.

    Once men turn 30-35 their testosterone levels drop significantly and as a result – they become lazy in chasing after women. Many women feel that if they (women) stop ‘working’ on their relationship and putting efforts into it the relationship would dwindle to nothing. In many cases it would be truth since men do not seem to be in need of relationships anyways. They tend to have this’ take it or leave it ‘ attitude.

    Most (35+ y.old) men these days are slightly depressed and incredibly lazy… They will stick with you if you are an extravert and fun to be with. You still will have to do the ‘ work’ in your relationship: move it forward, initiate commitment and possibly marriage. If you are an introvert and expecting them to do all the mentioned above – you are in for a big disappointment.

    • WTF is this far-too-prevalent emphasis on “work”, “growth”, “commitment”, etc.? Live in the moment, live for the day, seize the day, et all. We’re ALL GONNA DIE, so why not enjoy yourself and any partner you might have? If a man is with you, he likes and possibly even loves you as much as anyone probably has or could (unless you have lousy judgement, which means if you dump him, you’ll probably end up with someone no better — or no one).

  • “This guy is everything I want. I sure hope he asks me out”

    Am I doing it right?

    Ladies, guys are thick. If you like them, tell them. Don’t throw yourself at them because they’ll think that you’re just looking for a hookup. But simply asking them out or giving them the opportunity to ask you out is 100% fine.

    @OP you’ve successfully thrown women’s rights back into the dark ages. Keep up the good work.

    • Thank you for reading and I appreciate your comment but we’re not here to judge or label anyone. Differences in opinions are more than welcomed because we all come from different perspectives- its important to be understanding.

  • “Tell yourself that you’re only going to date men who pursue you. Why? Because you deserve it.”
    OK, then I will tell myself that I’ll only date women who pursue you. Why? Because I deserve it.

    Oh wait, now we are at a standstill. I guess I just don’t deserve love.

    • Thank you for reading and for your comment. To be clear, there are passive people and aggressive people. There are those who will pursue and those who want to be pursued. The sentiment behind the phrase is don’t be afraid that you will miss out on someone because you aren’t pursuing them. You deserve for someone to show interest in you without force or prompting. If that is something important to you, then hold out for it- you deserve it. If you want women to pursue you then only date women who do. You will find them. Don’t think for a moment that it isn’t possible. If you want it, wait for it. I hope this was helpful.

  • I came across this and I was curious about the situation I am in. So I met a guy about a month ago. He seemed very interested. The first 2 wks we had been talking and seeing each other everyday but not actually a date. He’s a tattoo artist so when he wanted to be around me bc he is always so busy with his shop he would ask me to come through just so he would be able to see me. Then by the 3rd week suddenly he stopped initiating contact first. He kind of stopped responding to me too. Then after a few days started back but not like he did in the beginning. When I see him he does still seem interested and makes flirtatious comments as if he is but I’m still not sure what this means. Am I over thinking the situation? It’s like once I started showing interest he backed off. Should I give it some time to see if it goes somewhere?

    • Thank you for reading and thank you for your question. With the little information that you have shared my advice would be to keep an open mind about what you want from this guy and start setting some serious boundaries. It sounds like he was getting by with putting in minimal effort into the relationship. Kudos to you for accommodating him but the truth is we don’t value what comes easy. You were being very understanding by always making time to see him but you didn’t require him to make any effort and that can get dull after awhile. We value what we work for. Start setting boundaries and asking more of him. If he likes you he will get with the program, if he isn’t interested then he won’t. Don’t take it personally. You don’t want a guy who isn’t willing to put in a little effort. I hope this was helpful.

  • “If a man doesn’t want to do what you require in order for him to date you”

    Actually the hard truth is if a man doesn’t want to date u out, he doesn’t need you.

    • Thank you for your comment and I completely agree. It’s not completely accurate to say someone doesn’t need another person but we all value different things in different people. Just because someone isn’t interested in you doesn’t mean you’re not interesting, or valuable. It just means you’re not valuable to them and that’s ok. Thanks for reading.

  • And if nobody nice and good will pursue? What do you think about nice men who are intimidated by beautiful women? How can a beautiful woman (fed up with player hunters of a bad quality) pursue a good nice man without seeming desperate ? Can she pursue him several times if he doesn’t do it at all? People tell me that I am too pretty and because of my career nice men are scared. I am so polite and nice to all people, shall I give up my career or stay single?
    You say let them pursue you, but they dont and I have a certain age, waiting for them to do it. For instance, to have an idea of my life,I met a man -network party,, I talked to him (I went to him, not him )then later I wrote him an email asking him out. He answered yes, we went out, he seemed shy and his face was red. He did not call since then, nor write me . I think, let’s say 60% that he liked me, but I feel shy to write him again. We have no friends in common, I only have that mail. The problem is that in my town there are mostly women and he’s new in town, he’ll be taken soon if I don’t do something and wait for him to do…What do you suggest? I am very shy and afraid of rejection.
    Thank you

    • Thank you for your comment, and for reading. I am a firm believer that love is your right. Even if you are shy there is a way to connect with men and show interest without actually pursuing them. What I mean by pursuing is doing more than your fair share of work in the courtship. The kind of work that makes you wonder or question the way someone feels about you. You don’t have to stay single or start chasing men but you do have to put yourself in every possible situation that you can to allow the right men to come your way. And show interest. If you are shy, that’s ok. It just means that you have to work harder to remove the doubt that a good man will come. The only thing stopping you or I, or any else, from having the love that we want is that firm belief that we can have it. Remind yourself daily that love is your right and never argue for your limitations. You are not too beautiful, smart, successful for a man. You are exactly who you need to be and the right man is on his way. Hold onto that belief as strongly as you can and you will attract love sooner than you think.

  • Thank you for this very helpful blogpage, I appreciate what you have written and have read the whole page very closely.

    I have met a very nice man, kind and well liked. I showed interest and he did as well, at first. Then he backed away. I don’t chase men, don’t ask them out or anything like that. I enjoy talking to them and listening to what’s on their mind, things like that. Alot of men like to talk to me and I enjoy the conversations, it doesn’t seem like flirting so much as just mutual enjoyment of each other. I am confident and like myself, and maybe that’s also what some men like about me.

    So with this man, I can see that he is attracted to me and we talk again now but my gut keeps telling me to just let him set the pace and allow him to move when he is ready. Part of me thinks: that’s not fair! why do I have to sit still and let him show his feelings for me in his time and in his way. He does demonstrate how he feels towards me by being attentive, trying to make me comfortable and expressing his appreciation of me. But – he still won’t ask me out. We just see each other in large social groups and have alot of good friends in common.

    So, that’s why I am here trying to learn how to let go and just be still and allow him to do what he is going to do and just trust the process. It does indeed feel very new and scary, I have never just let a man love me and received it. It can feel very hard to trust. In my fear I want to reach out to him for reassurance but I can’t do that and have to just step back and take care of myself. I am just now seeing that sometimes when I initiate conversations and things with him he doesn’t always like that and shuts down. But when I just be myself and leave him be, then he will show his deeper feelings. I wish he was different, but that’s just the way he is. I also wish I had learned this a long time ago –

    • Thank you so much for your honesty and your comment. I am a firm believer that the Universe can yield to us what we want and sometimes all we have to do is sit back and receive. The problem with pursuing a relationship sometimes is that it can bring up more insecurities. It can almost make you feel as if you’re forcing someone to be with you. The idea isn’t to do nothing but it’s not to feel like you have to do anything. Too often we feel compelled to act or we will lose the person’s affections. It shouldn’t feel that way. My sentiment is to be patient. I’m glad this was helpful to you.

  • Miss Solomon, can you personally e-mail me? I would love some in site on a new relationship I am trying to established. I believe i’m doing good! But your way more experienced. I enjoyed what I read today. I keep thinking it’s a race. No patience and I have no one to talk to about my situation because they feel he is to old for me?

  • This seems extremely general and here’s towards keeping the majority of people whom are willing to listen single. That core group of single people will continue to read and listen to these articles.
    Always paying for the dating apps etc.

  • I was just making this declaration yesterday. I am traditional at heart and believe in God’s way-courting. I hate to make the first move, especially when I know the guy is interested. I believe if he doesn’t pursue, he’s not into me on the level of a relationship or he’s into someone else. Both are hard to swallow but better to accept that truth than to lose my self respect trying to force something not meant to be. If he wants it, let him come and get it. Thanks Miss Solomon.

  • I don’t know why there are so many angry comments. Anytime I pursued a guy, he lost interest. “Pursued” means asking him out, and texting/calling him after not hearing from him for a while. They don’t like that. They end up feeling pressured, and in so many words they ultimately say that. But when I’m happy and appreciate things he does, he keeps coming back. In fact, this cute guy I met that I haven’t pursued at all said — after I had a bad day that he happened to witness and help me thru — that he wanted to be there for me, and was happy to be a shoulder to cry on. I gave him a chance on his own terms to show me what he could be in my life. Great advice — and I’m a major feminist. But guys are just wired this way.

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