*This post was updated April 2017
Are you tired of being single?
How many times have you met a great guy, had a decent interaction, or even a fun date with him and then waited and waited for him to make the next move? And he didn’t. Womp.
Maybe the man you’re dating right now is spending a lot of time with you, and showing his interest but he won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment. If you think he likes you, and you know that you like him, how do you get into a relationship?
Let the man pursue you.
I want to make it clear about what pursue does and doesn’t mean. To start, pursue doesn’t mean sit idly by and wait for the man to do all of the work. It also doesn’t mean waste time waiting for him to decide that you’re worth committing to.
Lastly, letting a man pursue doesn’t mean waiting around so long that you become impatient and borderline desperate.
Or even worse, settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve.
When you think about letting a man pursue you, consider letting him take the lead when it makes sense for him to do so. Don’t try to fill in the gaps for where he should be showing interest and isn’t. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man.
You don’t want the man to worry that you’re not interested. You can flirt with him, ask for his number, and even plan and pay for the date. I’m not encouraging this but I’m not against it.
Essentially, you can do what you feel will make you feel good.
What you can’t do is: HIS JOB.
When you meet a guy that you think is great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him, but he’s dropping the ball it’s not your job to take the reigns.
When you meet a guy that you like but he’s not moving the relationship forward by calling, texting, or planning future dates, it’s natural to wonder, “What should I do?”
It’s a natural feeling to want to do something but what you should do is:
Dating is a waiting game because it depends a lot on timing. When you meet a guy that you like, you know. There is no need to go through the formalities of actual courtship, you are ready to forego all other men for his attention now.
Unfortunately, most relationships don’t progress this way.
I know it’s exciting to like someone but you have to be patient in the process, and don’t feel like you have to make it happen. Be patient, and enjoy the process unfold.
Don’t be so quick to assume that if this guy really liked you he would lock it down. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling you, or texting you, or trying to advance the relationship then you’re not dating the right guy.
If you’re dating someone who isn’t moving as fast as you would like, just wait. Be wise enough to know the difference.
The emphasis on patience is this: don’t take action because you’re afraid that the guy won’t. A relationship built on insecurity will never last. Gender roles tell us that men are the ones who should approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again.
I agree with this to some extent. But approaching a man, making the first move, flirting with him, or texting him first isn’t the same as pursuing. These are actions you can take to show interest.
When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out, and he will take the lead. Even if you don’t think this man is capable of taking the lead, give him a chance at least. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurities that he can’t ask you for a date.
If you are impatient in your efforts, you might end up with a guy who just isn’t ready to be in a relationship and the experience will be disappointing at best. There is no amount of pursuit that you can offer, that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one.
Taking action seems more appealing than lying wait but why would you want to work that hard to get a man? Chill with the idea that dating is so complicated, and scary that we need to make it easy on men. We don’t.
The idea of letting a man pursue you might sound old-fashioned but consider this: if you’re taking the reigns from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality.
A man will show you who he is by how he dates you. The way he communicates with you, and romances you, and tries to impress you. All of those actions give you insight to his personality. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing all sides of him.
You’re also telling him that you don’t trust he can, or will pursue you of his own accord.
You have to trust that you are worth chasing. You are worth going out on a limb for. You are worth the effort it takes, and is required to date someone. It takes patience to let a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with, and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.
They lack the confidence, and they don’t trust the process.
Putting trust into the guy that you want to be exclusive with shouldn’t sound like a crazy concept. With a little patience, and a lot of trust, you can easily find yourself in a healthy relationship.
But fueled by insecurity, and the belief that it won’t happen unless you make it happen, can lead to a really unhappy experience.
Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean that you can’t let him know that you’re interested. Give him the green light to proceed and trust that if he likes you, he will.
If you want a relationship with a guy, there is a plan of action that you can take to make him yours. But before you jump into action, assess what his level of interest is. You can typically judge a man’s interest by his actions.
Take inventory on what the guy you like is already showing you.
It’s often the case that the man is trying to pursue a woman but his efforts are going unnoticed. The bar is set so unrealistically high for what a man should be doing, that what he is doing goes unappreciated.
Is he doing what he said he would do? Is he keeping up with promises to call, or text? Is he making suggestions to see each other again? Is he being honest and straight-forward with you?
Often, a man is making it crystal clear that he doesn’t want a relationship.
If this is the case, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If you meet a guy that you like, you can meet a man halfway by showing interest in getting to know him. Think about it like this, it is perfectly ok to try to get to know anyone.
It is not OK to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t trying to get to know you!
I understand wanting a relationship but if a man isn’t willing to assume some responsibility for making a relationship happen, then maybe that’s not the right man for you.
Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean sit back and do nothing. It just means don’t assume that you should do everything. Let the man that you’re dating show you who he is, and if he’s even ready for commitment.
A guy that likes you will have no probably taking action. I hope this was helpful.