What Every Man Should Know Before Talking To Women

What Every Man Should Know Before Talking To Women

If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

Dating and relationships are not the same. We often interchange the two, but getting into a relationship and being a good dater are not mutually exclusive. In fact, if you are a good dater, you’re less likely to want a relationship. If you’re ready for a committed relationship, and the work that lasting love entails, then post is for you.

How many times have you met a great guy, had a decent interaction, or even a fun date with him and then waited and waited for him to make the next move? And he didn’t. Maybe the man you’re dating right now is spending a lot of time with you, and showing his interest but he won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment.  If you think he likes you, and you know that you like him, how do you get into a relationship?

Let the man pursue you.

I want to make it clear about what pursue does and doesn’t mean. To start, pursue doesn’t mean sit idly by and wait for the man to do all of the work. It also doesn’t mean waste time waiting for him to decide that you’re worth committing to. Lastly, letting a man pursue doesn’t mean waiting around so long that you become impatient and borderline desperate.

Or even worse, settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve.

When you think about letting a man pursue you, consider letting him take the lead when it makes sense for him to do so. Don’t try to fill in the gaps for where he should be showing interest and isn’t. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man.

You don’t want the man to worry that you’re not interested. be flirtatious, ask for his number, and even plan and pay for the date. I’m not encouraging this but I’m not against it. Essentially, you can do what you feel will make you feel good.

What you can’t do is: HIS JOB.

Relationships take two willing participants. If you meet a guy that you think is great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him, but he’s dropping the ball on making plans, or communicating with you – it’s not your job to take control.

If you meet a guy that you like but he’s not moving the relationship forward by calling, texting, or planning future dates, it’s natural to wonder, “What should I do?” The answer is …

WAIT

Dating is a waiting game because it depends heavily on timing. When you meet a guy that you like, you know. There is no need to go through the formalities of actual courtship, you are ready to forego all other men for his attention now. Unfortunately, most relationships don’t progress this way.

I know it’s exciting to like someone but you have to be patient in the process, and don’t feel like you have to make it happen. Be patient, and enjoy the process unfold.

Don’t be so quick to assume that if this guy really liked you he would lock it down. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling you, or texting you, or trying to advance the relationship then you’re not dating the right guy. If you’re dating someone who isn’t moving as fast as you would like, just wait. Be wise enough to know the difference.

The emphasis on patience is this: don’t take action because you’re afraid that the guy won’t. A relationship built on insecurity will never last. Gender roles tell us that men are the ones who should approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again. I agree with this to some extent. But approaching a man, making the first move, flirting with him, or texting him first isn’t the same as pursuing. These are actions you can take to show interest.

When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out, and he will take the lead. Even if you don’t think this man is capable of taking the lead, give him a chance at least. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurities that he can’t ask you for a date.

If you are impatient in your efforts, you might end up with a guy who just isn’t ready to be in a relationship and the experience will be disappointing at best. There is no amount of pursuit that you can offer, that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one.

Taking action seems more appealing than lying wait but why would you want to work that hard to get a man? Chill with the idea that dating is so complicated, and scary that we need to make it easy on men. We don’t.

Trust…

The idea of letting a man pursue you might sound old-fashioned but consider this: if you’re taking the reins from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality. A man will show you who he is by how he dates you. The way he communicates with you, and romances you, and tries to impress you. All of those actions give you insight to HIM. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing all sides of him.

You’re also telling him that you don’t trust that he can, or will pursue you of his own accord. You have to trust that you are worth chasing. You are worth going out on a limb for. You are worth the effort it takes, and is required to date someone. It takes patience to let a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with, and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.

Putting trust into the guy that you want to be exclusive with shouldn’t sound like a crazy concept. With a little patience, and a lot of trust, you can easily find yourself in a healthy relationship. But fueled by insecurity, and the belief that it won’t happen unless you make it happen, can lead to a really unhappy experience.

Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean that you can’t let him know that you’re interested. Give him the green light to proceed and trust that if he likes you, he will.

Assess…

Theres is a difference between a man showing you interest, and a man that is investing in you. If you want a relationship with a guy, there is a plan of action that you can take to make him yours. But before you jump into action, assess what his level of investment is. You can typically judge a man’s interest by his actions.

Take inventory on what the guy you like is already showing you.

It’s often the case that the man is trying to pursue a woman but his efforts are going unnoticed. The bar is set so unrealistically high for what a man should be doing, that what he is doing goes unappreciated. Is he doing what he said he would do? Is he keeping up with promises to call, or text? Is he making suggestions to see each other again? Is he being honest and straight-forward with you?

Often, a man is making it crystal clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. If this is the case, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If you meet a guy that you like, you can meet a man halfway by showing interest in getting to know him. Think about it like this, it is perfectly ok to try to get to know anyone.

It is not OK to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t trying to get to know you!

I understand wanting a relationship but if a man isn’t willing to assume some responsibility for making a relationship happen, then maybe that’s not the right man for you. Letting a man pursue you doesn’t mean sit back and do nothing. It just means don’t assume that you should do everything. Let the man that you’re dating show you who he is, and if he’s even ready for commitment.

A guy that likes you will have no problem taking action.

63 thoughts on “If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

  1. Great advice except for the fact that it does not work. If I were to follow your advice I would have no relationship at all. I NEVER get seriously pursued by men.

    1. Ms. Soja – Take heart! You have not been taught how to lie, trick and manipulate.Just being yourself is going to land you your great guy because you are NOT going to play stupid games, but honestly let him know that you are interested.

      1. Thank you for the comment Ennis! There are no tricks to attraction. If a woman wants the attention of a man, his pursuit and desire there are no tricks, lies or manipulations involved. You can be yourself but you have to be really, really good at letting other people know who that person is. And you have to be comfortable with the idea that you will attract some people that you don’t want while attracting those that you do.

        1. Thanks for the giggle in this article. Clearly you yourself have no idea how you and your fellow women work and what you respond to. You’re merely adhering to what society and media have told you. If you want to know what works for men AND women, YouTube Coach Corey Wayne. I’m in no way affiliated with him. He just knows what works.

          Men pursue to a point, but in the end, it’s feminine nature to reach out, pursue, and to need reassurance. Educate yourself before you post stuff like this, please! This kind of stuff misleads men and women. Best of luck sweetheart.xx

          1. Thank you for your comment. I’m familiar with Cory Wayne. I think there are different ways people can receive and apply advice. It doesn’t resonate for everyone but my approach to ask myself, “What would I want to hear and what would be helpful to me?” I can do that because it’s my blog. If other people like it, and it helps them then that is wonderful. This is not a course in dating, it’s my insights. I’m open to anyone who disagrees.

    2. Thank you for the comment, Soja. I know for a fact that attraction is what motivates human beings to initiate contact. If you aren’t attracting the right attention from the right men then what you need is a better strategy and method of attraction. Since we attract who we are being positive, approachable, helpful, and open will attract men who are confidant and willing to pursue women. If you never attract men, start by deciding that you want to. Think about the type of men that you want to attract then be open to their attention.

      1. Ok I know this post is a little old but…. I would like to attract this guy’s interest but he lives on new York myself in Cali… He works for one of the biggest television networks. Just as well were successful just on two diff spectrums he travels around the world just as i do, by our srlves seems as though. He was in a magazine as an eligible bachelor. I was just curious as to see if I would get picked out of thousands of applicants for this bachelor to meet. So I wrote in. Surprisingly he chose me as one of the women he wanted to meet. Due to my nursing schedule and school I was not able to attend his bday. I know most men really only pay attention to what’s infront of their face… he said if I was in NY to hit him up, … super nervous cause its been awhile sense we last chatted and i donr know what to talk him about . should I even try ??? Aaaahhhh

        1. Hi there, thank you so much for your comment. Of course you should try! What I think is so funny is that most single people believe that love is luck but when something lucky happens to them they doubt it. He chose you and contacted you. He made an attempt to see you that’s awesome. Think about what you want and if this man fits that ideal. If he does then pursue a friendship with him. Get to know him. Don’t make any assumptions that the relationship will just blossom into romance but it doesn’t hurt to build something casual and have fun. If you really want it or if it’s meant to be then things will align. New opportunities might bring him to Cali or you to New York. Be open minded and believe. Believe in the serendipity of life. Believe that you deserve this amazing guy and don’t worry about the future. Stay connected to him without expectation and let the courtship unfold. I hope this was helpful.

    3. Wow..is there a way to delete your comment!? I wish there was so you could really let this all sink in for you. What works for you, works for you. Who doesn’t want the pleasure of being with a man who is doing the pursuing?! It’s a wonderful feeling that you will not see if you do not practice patience. Maybe previous relationships have not worked out for you, or maybe the men you’ve been dating are not truly into making you a priority…but if the opposite truly works for you, maybe you should write an article on that? Idk..I just hope that you realize that although no man is perfect, in his pursuit it should be him showing you that you’re worthy & not you doing all the chasing..

      1. Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree with you. I know the word pursue has different connotations, but the point is that the relationship should be reciprocal. I love when other readers can add perspective to another’s situation. Patience plays a huge rule in allowing pursuit but the key isn’t to sit and home and wait for a man to always call or show you attention. Allowing a man to pursue you just means let him lead or guide the relationship so that you aren’t guessing how he feels. It doesn’t mean to withhold your emotions or act disinterested, it simple means to be patient, as you mentioned, and let the man take the lead. I appreciate your comment, you made some great points, and thank you for reading.

    4. That is so true in this day and time she game changed men act as if they don’t care about any woman or dating they have no respect for any woman , if they ask u out and your trying to not be excited or like pushy they will not want to ask again they go on to the next ones I do know this they say we men can have any woman they want

    5. Men pursuing women is sexist and degrading of men. Ever thought of that? Not all guys like to pursue (me given). You say, “TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO DATE MEN WHO PURSUE YOU. WHY? BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.” – Please explain what warrants that. Why arn”t men worth being pursued? What proof do you have that YOU should be pursued, that you are worth more than the man? Nothing. Sorry your argument is sexist and degrading of men. Relationships are all about women seeking attention and men who are slaves to this.

      1. Thank you for reading and for the comments. Scientifically speaking the choice of partnership has fallen predominantly on men more than women. I understand however that the language of the post is vague and phrases out of context could seem misleading. You’ve given me a great idea for a follow up post, since this has been so popular, that will explain in depth why I believe pursuit should fall on the shoulders of the man more so than the woman. Keep in mind however that my style of dating isn’t one size fit all, and differences of opinion are welcomed.

  2. Your opinion reflects everything that is wrong with society. What about men who are shy and can’t approach people? Some men simply can’t, they have a condition called social anxiety that prevents them from doing so, and to “man up” and “grow a pair” is not easy like flicking a switch. Why do they have to get left in the dust and live life alone because of their condition?! It’s a TWO WAY STREET.

    The funny thing is you women seem to want your cake and eat it too. Women need to, no, they HAVE TO pursue men just as much. You want equal rights, well this is what comes with it. End of discussion

    1. Agree Ryan. The reason men are not chasing women is because we have discovered that relationships are about feeding the attention of women and being slaves to their needs. A man can NEVER feel good about himself, because he is always making the women feel good about herself the whole time. That’s the problem with relationships and why guys have no interest in them.

  3. I find the statements made on this page to be incredibly problematic. Frankly, you are carelessly spewing sexist and archaic ideologies that succumb to bullshit gender roles and binaries. Please, these are not the kinds of messages that should be sent to women..especially young girls. Many men find it incredibly refreshing and alluring to be pursued by a confident woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin to take charge of her life. Little girls and women of all ages alike need to be encouraged to go for what they want, rather than be told to passively stand by and hope it works out or rely on others to take action for them.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your voice even though you may disagree. Its important to keep in mind that my opinion will never and should never replace anyone’s personal choice. I don’t share advice that I haven’t practiced in my own life and found success with. I feel that everyone has the right to decide what works best for them.

      1. Thank you for both the article and this comment. I think you are getting negative responses because you are speaking the truth.
        And any women who’s been the chaser for years after years will find success in this advice.
        I PERSONALLY HAVE FOUND GREAT SUCESS USING THIS KIND OF APPROACH.
        If someone wants you in his life, he will put you there and if not, well why waste the. RIGHT ON, love bug. This article is the truth of the dating world we now live in.
        Much love and beauty to ya

        1. Thank you for your comment and kind words. The most important thing to understand about any advice is that if you take action you’ll know whether it works or doesn’t work. Dating takes a mutual investment and it takes two willing participants if a man is pursuing a woman she in turn gives him affirmation that she’s interested. That’s the way dating should be in my opinion. Thank you again.

        2. I agree. I can’t believe these negative comments. A woman is beautiful, and when she’s confident that will attract any man’s attention. She’s not saying to lie dormant she’s saying to be ourselves. And when a guys is ready, willing, able and available to want a relationship he will then go for it. Even the shy ones.

          He’ll use whatever means necessary to do it. That won’t change. Boys have been interested since they were little even sending Valentines in class. If a girl, woman makes it knows she’s available, open, interested moderately that’s enough for him to take the ball. Men do move slow at times and I myself am accustomed to getting impatient. We just cannot take the ball and start doing it for them. To me, things get way out of balanced. Allow a man to be just that…A MAN.

          1. Thank you for the great comment and thanks for reading. You are absolutely right. I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s all about checking your impatience at the door and if a guy is moving too slow for your taste then he probably isn’t the right man for you anyway. Lovely comment.

  4. Miss Solomon,
    Are you married? Your words only become credible for me when you become married. I hope not to be disrespectful, but expressing my thoughts. If what you are preaching has not helped you in your pursuit ( haha), I can’t take you seriously.

    1. Thank you for your question. No, I’m not married but my site isn’t about marriage. It’s not even about committed relationships. My advice is intended for single men and women who have trouble meeting potential dates and building deep connections. The real and more appropriate question is: I am happy? Am I successful in my pursuits and the answer, to both, are yes. It’s a very damaging narrative that marriage = happiness or success and I try to encourage readers to find happiness and success as a single person first before they aspire to marriage.

  5. As a guy, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only going to date women who pursue me. Why? Because I deserve it. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the comment and although it might have been written to be facetious I think you have a point. We always get what we feel we deserve so if I were you I would let women pursue me. If that’s what you want, you do deserve it. Once you commit to that desire, it will happen. I absolutely believe that.

  6. I agree with all that miss Solomon has said . VERY WISE! It’s the best input I’ve ever read on women pursuing men.
    In my opinion,
    Men like to conquer by nature.
    Conquer power, conquer fame, conquer wealth and conquer women .
    How can women conquer a men????
    That is the toughest question in my head….

  7. I meant to say at the end:
    How can a woman conquer a man?
    Is it possible at all?
    To conquer and to pursue …
    Is love a game?
    Life sometimes seems complicated….

    1. Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. That’s a great question, how can a woman conquer a man and can she? The answer is very complicated. It’s hard to explain in one post but sometimes our motivations aren’t always clear, even to us. When women “pursue” men, it’s rarely their natural instinct, they usually do it out of fear. We pursue men because we are afraid that if we don’t we won’t get what we want. One of my favorite quotes is: you can’t get it done and you can’t get it wrong meaning that when you want something it’s not completely up to you make it happen. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way and just let it happen. I’m hoping that women can get out of their own way and allow men to take the lead. The right man will.

  8. not chasing after men worked better for me than chasing (after men). If you chase them they will use you, disrespect you and it will be the end of the story.

    Once men turn 30-35 their testosterone levels drop significantly and as a result – they become lazy in chasing after women. Many women feel that if they (women) stop ‘working’ on their relationship and putting efforts into it the relationship would dwindle to nothing. In many cases it would be truth since men do not seem to be in need of relationships anyways. They tend to have this’ take it or leave it ‘ attitude.

    Most (35+ y.old) men these days are slightly depressed and incredibly lazy… They will stick with you if you are an extravert and fun to be with. You still will have to do the ‘ work’ in your relationship: move it forward, initiate commitment and possibly marriage. If you are an introvert and expecting them to do all the mentioned above – you are in for a big disappointment.

    1. WTF is this far-too-prevalent emphasis on “work”, “growth”, “commitment”, etc.? Live in the moment, live for the day, seize the day, et all. We’re ALL GONNA DIE, so why not enjoy yourself and any partner you might have? If a man is with you, he likes and possibly even loves you as much as anyone probably has or could (unless you have lousy judgement, which means if you dump him, you’ll probably end up with someone no better — or no one).

  9. “This guy is everything I want. I sure hope he asks me out”

    Am I doing it right?

    Ladies, guys are thick. If you like them, tell them. Don’t throw yourself at them because they’ll think that you’re just looking for a hookup. But simply asking them out or giving them the opportunity to ask you out is 100% fine.

    @OP you’ve successfully thrown women’s rights back into the dark ages. Keep up the good work.

    1. Thank you for reading and I appreciate your comment but we’re not here to judge or label anyone. Differences in opinions are more than welcomed because we all come from different perspectives- its important to be understanding.

  10. “Tell yourself that you’re only going to date men who pursue you. Why? Because you deserve it.”
    OK, then I will tell myself that I’ll only date women who pursue you. Why? Because I deserve it.

    Oh wait, now we are at a standstill. I guess I just don’t deserve love.