If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

Are you tired of being single?

How many times have you met a guy, had a decent interaction or even a great date then waited and waited for him to make the next move? Maybe the man you’re dating now is spending alot of time with you but won’t actually pull the trigger on commitment. How do you get into a relationship? Let a man pursue you.

Have you ever heard the saying: People want what they can’t have?

I see it alot in dating. When a woman meets a man who acts aloof or ambiguous about dating her he instantly becomes incredibly desirable. Instead of being patient and strategic in her dating most women become impatient and borderline desperate.

Even worse, they settle for treatment that is less than they deserve.

This post has been edited since it was originally published for two reasons.

1. I had more to say.

2. There was some confusion about the meaning of pursuit.

It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to show unequivocal interest in a man. She may flirt with him, ask for his number and even plan and pay for the date. I don’t know why a woman would want to do all of that but I am not discouraging it by any means.

What typically happens in dating is this: you meet a guy, he’s great and you want to be in a serious relationship with him but he’s dropping the ball. His behavior is unpredictable. He isn’t calling as much as he should, he isn’t being aggressive in the relationship and it almost seems like he’s avoiding commitment.

When a man shows disregard for the relationship is the point when women find themselves wondering, “What should I do?”

It’s a natural instinct in women to want to do something instead of just sitting back and enjoying the courtship and allowing themselves to be pursued. There are some women who aren’t sure what this would look like. They always text first, call first or initiate making plans because they are afraid if they don’t then plans won’t be made or they won’t hear from the guy they’re dating.

That sucks. If you’re dating a man who isn’t calling, texting or advancing the relationship then you’re just not dating the right guy.

Tell yourself that you’re only going to date men who pursue you. Why? Because you deserve it.

You should only date the men who approach you, call you, ask you on a date, follow-up with you, and then ask you out again. If you want to be more proactive and ask men out or hit on men then by all means do it. The women who pursue men either enjoy it, have control issues or are successful at it.

Approaching a man, making the first move or flirting isn’t the same as pursuing. I don’t believe women should ask men on dates and I don’t believe that a woman should call any man that she wants a serious relationship with. I will be real with you, 100%.

I’ve called men. I’ve asked men out. I’ve offered my name and number on a platter and made dating me the difficulty level of Candyland. I’ve gone on several dates where I pursued the man and after all that still didn’t end up with a boyfriend.

When you meet a man who is interested in dating you he will call you, he will ask you out and he will do so respectfully. Men may seem incapable of courtship but trust me, you don’t want a man that isn’t. You don’t want t man who doesn’t recognize how special you. You don’t want a man so paralyzed by his own insecurity that he can’t call you or text for you a date. You don’t want a man who doesn’t have the awareness or sensibility to pursue a high quality woman such as yourself.

Dating is one thing but getting a relationship starts with first choosing a man who wants to be in one. There is no amount of pursuit or cajoling you can offer that will get a man into a relationship who doesn’t want to be in one. Even if you are successful it’s a ton of work and the relationship will probably suck.

Why would you want to work that hard to get a man to be with you? Women have to chill with the idea that dating is so complicated and scary that we need to make it easy on men by doing all or most of the pursuing, inviting and initiating.

Stop making excuses for a courtship that is bullshit.

This idea might sound old-fashioned but consider this. We all have our personal version of what dating looks like. If you’re taking the reigns from the man then you’re missing out on a key part of his personality. A man will show you who he is by how he dates you and communicates with you. If you aggressively pursue him then you run the risk of never seeing that side of him.

My point is this: There is nothing wrong with letting a man pursue you. Not only are you worth it, men are happy to do it because you value his efforts. Men are excited and proud to be with a woman who has let him be himself. It takes patience to allow a man to date you the way he feels comfortable with and some women just don’t have the patience to do it.

When it comes to having a relationship there is a difference between being aggressive and doing all of the work. You can meet a man halfway but don’t let the man you’re dating get away with being lazy. This isn’t unusual. My fear is that if a woman wants a relationship badly enough she will settle for less than she deserves.

Even when you know it doesn’t feel right, and that you would appreciate more effort on his part, you don’t speak up because you don’t want to chase him. That’s is no way to spend your life.

If a man doesn’t want to do what you require in order for him to date you then he might not be the man for you and that’s ok. Think of the time you’ll save yourself by letting the behavior speak for itself. I suggest, when it comes to relationships, to let the man take the lead. Let the man you’re dating show you who he is and if he’s ready for commitment. If he doesn’t value you enough to do what it takes to keep you happy then do yourself a favor and walk away. I hope this was helpful.

how to get the date

Did You Like This Post?
Get Honest Advice From Miss Solomon Weekly. No Spam Ever.
100% Privacy. We don't spam.

  21 comments for “If You Want A Relationship, Let Men Pursue You

  1. soja
    October 10, 2014 at 8:29 AM

    Great advice except for the fact that it does not work. If I were to follow your advice I would have no relationship at all. I NEVER get seriously pursued by men.

    • ennis
      October 10, 2014 at 9:57 PM

      Ms. Soja – Take heart! You have not been taught how to lie, trick and manipulate.Just being yourself is going to land you your great guy because you are NOT going to play stupid games, but honestly let him know that you are interested.

      • October 13, 2014 at 11:20 AM

        Thank you for the comment Ennis! There are no tricks to attraction. If a woman wants the attention of a man, his pursuit and desire there are no tricks, lies or manipulations involved. You can be yourself but you have to be really, really good at letting other people know who that person is. And you have to be comfortable with the idea that you will attract some people that you don’t want while attracting those that you do.

    • October 13, 2014 at 11:18 AM

      Thank you for the comment, Soja. I know for a fact that attraction is what motivates human beings to initiate contact. If you aren’t attracting the right attention from the right men then what you need is a better strategy and method of attraction. Since we attract who we are being positive, approachable, helpful, and open will attract men who are confidant and willing to pursue women. If you never attract men, start by deciding that you want to. Think about the type of men that you want to attract then be open to their attention.

      • kay
        November 14, 2015 at 12:56 PM

        Ok I know this post is a little old but…. I would like to attract this guy’s interest but he lives on new York myself in Cali… He works for one of the biggest television networks. Just as well were successful just on two diff spectrums he travels around the world just as i do, by our srlves seems as though. He was in a magazine as an eligible bachelor. I was just curious as to see if I would get picked out of thousands of applicants for this bachelor to meet. So I wrote in. Surprisingly he chose me as one of the women he wanted to meet. Due to my nursing schedule and school I was not able to attend his bday. I know most men really only pay attention to what’s infront of their face… he said if I was in NY to hit him up, … super nervous cause its been awhile sense we last chatted and i donr know what to talk him about . should I even try ??? Aaaahhhh

        • November 22, 2015 at 9:32 PM

          Hi there, thank you so much for your comment. Of course you should try! What I think is so funny is that most single people believe that love is luck but when something lucky happens to them they doubt it. He chose you and contacted you. He made an attempt to see you that’s awesome. Think about what you want and if this man fits that ideal. If he does then pursue a friendship with him. Get to know him. Don’t make any assumptions that the relationship will just blossom into romance but it doesn’t hurt to build something casual and have fun. If you really want it or if it’s meant to be then things will align. New opportunities might bring him to Cali or you to New York. Be open minded and believe. Believe in the serendipity of life. Believe that you deserve this amazing guy and don’t worry about the future. Stay connected to him without expectation and let the courtship unfold. I hope this was helpful.

    • Simone
      December 11, 2015 at 1:11 PM

      Wow..is there a way to delete your comment!? I wish there was so you could really let this all sink in for you. What works for you, works for you. Who doesn’t want the pleasure of being with a man who is doing the pursuing?! It’s a wonderful feeling that you will not see if you do not practice patience. Maybe previous relationships have not worked out for you, or maybe the men you’ve been dating are not truly into making you a priority…but if the opposite truly works for you, maybe you should write an article on that? Idk..I just hope that you realize that although no man is perfect, in his pursuit it should be him showing you that you’re worthy & not you doing all the chasing..

      • December 12, 2015 at 5:05 PM

        Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree with you. I know the word pursue has different connotations, but the point is that the relationship should be reciprocal. I love when other readers can add perspective to another’s situation. Patience plays a huge rule in allowing pursuit but the key isn’t to sit and home and wait for a man to always call or show you attention. Allowing a man to pursue you just means let him lead or guide the relationship so that you aren’t guessing how he feels. It doesn’t mean to withhold your emotions or act disinterested, it simple means to be patient, as you mentioned, and let the man take the lead. I appreciate your comment, you made some great points, and thank you for reading.

  2. Ryan
    February 7, 2015 at 4:38 PM

    Your opinion reflects everything that is wrong with society. What about men who are shy and can’t approach people? Some men simply can’t, they have a condition called social anxiety that prevents them from doing so, and to “man up” and “grow a pair” is not easy like flicking a switch. Why do they have to get left in the dust and live life alone because of their condition?! It’s a TWO WAY STREET.

    The funny thing is you women seem to want your cake and eat it too. Women need to, no, they HAVE TO pursue men just as much. You want equal rights, well this is what comes with it. End of discussion

  3. Elle
    July 14, 2015 at 7:36 AM

    I find the statements made on this page to be incredibly problematic. Frankly, you are carelessly spewing sexist and archaic ideologies that succumb to bullshit gender roles and binaries. Please, these are not the kinds of messages that should be sent to women..especially young girls. Many men find it incredibly refreshing and alluring to be pursued by a confident woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin to take charge of her life. Little girls and women of all ages alike need to be encouraged to go for what they want, rather than be told to passively stand by and hope it works out or rely on others to take action for them.

    • July 14, 2015 at 3:46 PM

      Thank you for taking the time to share your voice even though you may disagree. Its important to keep in mind that my opinion will never and should never replace anyone’s personal choice. I don’t share advice that I haven’t practiced in my own life and found success with. I feel that everyone has the right to decide what works best for them.

      • Sama
        August 20, 2015 at 7:12 AM

        Thank you for both the article and this comment. I think you are getting negative responses because you are speaking the truth.
        And any women who’s been the chaser for years after years will find success in this advice.
        If someone wants you in his life, he will put you there and if not, well why waste the. RIGHT ON, love bug. This article is the truth of the dating world we now live in.
        Much love and beauty to ya

        • August 20, 2015 at 12:46 PM

          Thank you for your comment and kind words. The most important thing to understand about any advice is that if you take action you’ll know whether it works or doesn’t work. Dating takes a mutual investment and it takes two willing participants if a man is pursuing a woman she in turn gives him affirmation that she’s interested. That’s the way dating should be in my opinion. Thank you again.

  4. Tina
    July 14, 2015 at 4:53 PM

    Miss Solomon,
    Are you married? Your words only become credible for me when you become married. I hope not to be disrespectful, but expressing my thoughts. If what you are preaching has not helped you in your pursuit ( haha), I can’t take you seriously.

    • July 15, 2015 at 10:49 AM

      Thank you for your question. No, I’m not married but my site isn’t about marriage. It’s not even about committed relationships. My advice is intended for single men and women who have trouble meeting potential dates and building deep connections. The real and more appropriate question is: I am happy? Am I successful in my pursuits and the answer, to both, are yes. It’s a very damaging narrative that marriage = happiness or success and I try to encourage readers to find happiness and success as a single person first before they aspire to marriage.

  5. MrIHateDoubleStandards
    December 12, 2015 at 3:53 AM

    As a guy, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only going to date women who pursue me. Why? Because I deserve it. :)

    • December 12, 2015 at 5:00 PM

      Thanks for the comment and although it might have been written to be facetious I think you have a point. We always get what we feel we deserve so if I were you I would let women pursue me. If that’s what you want, you do deserve it. Once you commit to that desire, it will happen. I absolutely believe that.

  6. Donna
    December 20, 2015 at 2:26 PM

    I agree with all that miss Solomon has said . VERY WISE! It’s the best input I’ve ever read on women pursuing men.
    In my opinion,
    Men like to conquer by nature.
    Conquer power, conquer fame, conquer wealth and conquer women .
    How can women conquer a men????
    That is the toughest question in my head….

  7. Donna
    December 20, 2015 at 2:36 PM

    I meant to say at the end:
    How can a woman conquer a man?
    Is it possible at all?
    To conquer and to pursue …
    Is love a game?
    Life sometimes seems complicated….

    • December 24, 2015 at 2:25 PM

      Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. That’s a great question, how can a woman conquer a man and can she? The answer is very complicated. It’s hard to explain in one post but sometimes our motivations aren’t always clear, even to us. When women “pursue” men, it’s rarely their natural instinct, they usually do it out of fear. We pursue men because we are afraid that if we don’t we won’t get what we want. One of my favorite quotes is: you can’t get it done and you can’t get it wrong meaning that when you want something it’s not completely up to you make it happen. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way and just let it happen. I’m hoping that women can get out of their own way and allow men to take the lead. The right man will.

  8. Ms. Wisdom
    January 7, 2016 at 1:46 PM

    not chasing after men worked better for me than chasing (after men). If you chase them they will use you, disrespect you and it will be the end of the story.

    Once men turn 30-35 their testosterone levels drop significantly and as a result – they become lazy in chasing after women. Many women feel that if they (women) stop ‘working’ on their relationship and putting efforts into it the relationship would dwindle to nothing. In many cases it would be truth since men do not seem to be in need of relationships anyways. They tend to have this’ take it or leave it ‘ attitude.

    Most (35+ y.old) men these days are slightly depressed and incredibly lazy… They will stick with you if you are an extravert and fun to be with. You still will have to do the ‘ work’ in your relationship: move it forward, initiate commitment and possibly marriage. If you are an introvert and expecting them to do all the mentioned above – you are in for a big disappointment.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *