Dating can be complicated. When you add the baggage that we grow up with to the trials of past relationships, a healthy relationship is almost impossible to achieve.
If you don’t have an ex to get over consider yourself lucky.
For most of us, it’s likely we got involved in a relationship we thought was special and everlasting. We met someone who changed our perspective and affected our emotions. We trusted this person to be in a partnership with us and have our back.
For whatever reason the relationship ended.
Whether you dated two months or twelve years accepting that a relationship is over can be the most challenging hurdle in dating.
For years, my solution was a steadfast no contact rule. If I could avoid an ex altogether I rationalized that they would go away and so would the feelings. In some cases our connections to our ex’s can simulate an addiction and no contact is necessary. Sure there are people that you were more than happy to kick to the curb but there is always someone who establishes a place in your world that’s hard to move on from.
I find that many singles have a hard time dating successfully because they haven’t moved on from past relationships.
It’s impossible to have a great dating experience while still carrying the weight of a former relationship. Especially a relationship that was painful. Whatever you need to heal about your past relationships needs to be done. It can’t be avoided or wished away. You HAVE to get over it.
We’re crippled by our past when we don’t come to terms with the ways past relationships affected us. Accept that you can’t rewrite history or change the person that you dated but you can change your outlook.
If you’re ready to move on from your ex, here is my suggestion of where to start.
Think about the following, get a pen and paper to take notes, then address what issues you’re still holding on to.
They didn’t give you want you wanted
When we start dating someone we have expectations, what were yours? Was it acceptance, security, praise, care etc? Sometimes we can’t bluntly ask for these things so we go without them ending up miserable. We are afraid to admit that we needed that hug, kiss, or support that we didn’t get. You wanted and needed things from past relationships that you never received.
What were they?
It’s likely if you wanted it once you’re going to want it from others as again. It’s the recipe of what will make you happy. What you need from a partner is essential. You should never deny yourself of those needs now just because past partners denied you then.
They were wrong about who you were
If you can’t be who you are in a relationship then you can’t accept that you are loved. Nothing brings more hurt and heartache to us than being misunderstood. On the other hand many people are just not open or honest about who they are because they don’t want to be judged.
I established a theory; because it takes some adults so long to like themselves they assume that others will not like them at all. The ‘How can you like me when I don’t like me?’ attitude keeps many people from truly revealing who they are to the person that they claim to love.
That isn’t fair to you or your partner. But in your past relationships the person you were dating didn’t ‘get you’. Had they known who you truly were, maybe you would still be together.
They might have seen you for the best possible match for them but it’s likely that if they didn’t really know you then you didn’t really know them.
They were not the right person for you
No matter what we want to believe being with the right person isn’t hard work.
I’ve spoken with several couples over the years and while everyone acknowledges that relationships aren’t easy, they also admit that they aren’t supposed to be hard either.
It’s similar to a great work out. You want to challenge your body and work up a sweat but you don’t want to work so hard that you pass out.
A healthy relationship doesn’t take the blood, sweat and tears that your last relationship required. When a person is right for you, its called compatibility. It’s likely that your last relationship lacked that characteristic.
Chemistry and compatibility aren’t interchangeable our mutually exclusive. If you have one it doesn’t mean that you’ll have the other. And you want to have both. Wanting to be with someone is chemistry while being happy with this person is compatibility.
Sometimes relationships don’t work out. It’s a cliché but it’s the truth.
Failed relationships remind us that we weren’t someone’s choice or we were wrong about who we chose. It can make starting a new relationship almost impossible but there is no chance of moving forward when you’re still holding on to the past.
Do yourself a favor and let go of what doesn’t serve you. You deserve it.
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