What It Means To Settle, How To Know If You’re Doing It

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“I just don’t want to settle.”

Maybe you’ve said it or heard a friend use this excuse before for passing on what seems like a perfectly fine partner.

Those of us who feel like we have a lot to offer another person fear settling, or at least we act like it. Whether you want to admit it you’ve assigned yourself a number.

On a scale from one to ten you’ve chosen your place and you refuse to kick it with anyone who isn’t ‘on your level’.

You know what that means. *wink wink* It’s code for they’re not good enough for you, be honest, that’s how you feel.

Many people have two definitions for settling, either they feel they’re getting less than they deserve or they feel they can do better. It has been my experience that both definitions are inaccurate.

The Dating Truth definition of settling is accepting less than what you’ve had before.

Even if you think that you can do better or deserve more than a potential partner has to offer, you feel that way because somewhere in your dating past you had what you wanted.

For whatever reason you and this ideal person didn’t quite make it. But the problem with human nature is we tend to romanticize the past. That person that you think got away, that was the best you ever had, may or may not have been that great. Or maybe it’s multiple people whose personalities you’re hoping to find in one person.

It’s impossible to miss what you’ve never had, if you feel like you’re settling its because this person falls short of what you once had. You had it once, you feel like you deserve it again. Settling basically means this person is offering you less than what you’ve had in the past.

But imagine a premium cut steak being sold out at the grocery store. You can still purchase steak but it won’t be everything a premium steak might have been.

If you’ve never had premium steak but just wanted to try it, you might not feel so bummed out. You’re not settling. If you ALWAYS get premium steak well, then you can settle or go hungry.

Single men and women are opting not to settle. What they had once, they want again. There is a debate whether holding out for this second coming is worth it. Well, is it?

Settling is not thinking you deserve to be with a 10 but you have never dated a 10, one has never looked your way. Settling is not delusion. We all know someone who thinks they could be dating a supermodel but all signs say not. Or the diva that believes she’s fit to be a basketball wife but has never had a brush with an athlete. Ever.

Delusion has no place in dating.

What I haven’t stated, which should be obvious, is if you think you might be settling you probably are. Because what you feel you’ve had before is likely lacking. You’re not feeling the love and adoration you’ve felt in the past. Or maybe you just aren’t as passionate for this potential date as past loves.

Something is missing that you can’t quite place your finger on. While you can assume its nerves or fear of making the wrong choice, chances are you’re still thinking about that premium steak.

You still desire what you once had whether its passion, attention, support, care, affection, gifts, honesty, trust, loyalty, etc.

The answer to avoid settling is a deep belief that what you want exists and is possible for you. If you knew without doubt that you would find the right person, settling wouldn’t be an option. So to tell you the only way to combat the fear of settling, and actually doing it, was believing with certainty that you’ll get what you want would be a waste.

I’m not even going to tell you to know what you want and pass up everyone who isn’t it. Because we all know that sh*t doesn’t work. So, I can only hope that if you agree with my idea of settling you’ll be forth-coming with your potential date about what you want. Give them a chance to provide it.

If they can’t and you accept a relationship anyway, then you might be settling but at least you’ll know. You’ll no longer have to wonder.

Thoughts?

 

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Miss Solomon

Founder at The Dating Truth
Dating and relationship expert. Lover of people. Relationship Coach and part-time stylist. Miss Solomon has a passion for writing about love, creating love strategies and mastering self- love.