Vocabulary limits our understanding sometimes. There may be points in time where I refer to dating as a game. I have been known to encourage singles to create their own “rules”.
But really what I mean is don’t let society tell you what you have to do to find and maintain healthy love. Dating isn’t a traditional game.
Being in a relationship isn’t a standard prize, especially if it’s with someone who doesn’t make you better.
The only reason I want you to take a moment and stop looking at dating as a game is because I want you to reframe your ideas of what the “prize” actually is.
Commitment is not a good goal or objective in dating.
If that happens you might feel like you’ve “won”. But if it doesn’t happen I’ve noticed that people keep fighting for a reward. People keep fighting for commitment, not because they are deeply in love but to “win”.
Why are you fighting for a relationship with someone who isn’t fighting for you?
Why do you persistently go against what you truly believe you deserve?
Why do you want to continue the chase, which probably isn’t healthy or stable?
We fight because we can’t accept that to stop fighting isn’t to lose.
I don’t know anything about relationships. If I claimed to, my credibility would be shot to hell based on my own experiences so I will admit now and finally: I know nothing about relationships.
What I do know is that most people want to be loved and accepted. We want stability, consistency and affection. When we don’t get it from the person we are dating it’s instinctive for us to fight for it.
We scream with our actions: value me, respect me, want me, and love me to someone who has absolutely no interest in doing those things at the moment.
So what seems like a great idea is to try harder.
I’m gonna pause and let you think about whether that makes sense? Of course it doesn’t. We are desperate to date people who are expressing with their actions that they don’t want to date us.
Sometimes, you have to let it go.
I know it might be confusing because when I say that dating is a game, it’s not to say that it’s meant to be competitive or hard. So maybe I should refer to dating as a puzzle. Consider it like a word search and instead of a prize you have an objective.
In dating you want to build connections. That, in my opinion, is the goal or aim. When you meet potential dates, you want to find a way to connect with them that is positive and fulfilling.
(How you do that can be found in other posts but I want you to stop thinking that you have to make them yours or that they have to accept you.)
Stop thinking you have to fight, compete, and game play your way to victory; you don’t. Let me be cheesy and say just love yourself enough to stick by what you feel is right. Don’t let others affect your decisions to the point where you lose your identity and sense of self.
Take a moment to think about the people you have dated and the people you might be dating now. Are you after a genuine connection or do you just want to win this invisible prize; commitment as a form of validation?
Are your actions ego-driven with a sense of coming out on top or do you know in your heart what you’re doing is the right thing. In dating we hear so much rhetoric it’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to win, and proving points instead of just loving and being happy.
Dating is hard at times but love isn’t something you win in a fight. Once you view dating as a game, you’ve already lost.
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