What do you need to be happy?
Not just in dating but in life period? Think about it, I’ll wait.
One of my favorite writers, Penelope Trunk, spent years of her life trying to figure out what made people happy. Money, time, accomplishments…? (Read about it here..)
It’s estimated it takes 40,000 a year to make the average person happy but its all just speculation, estimation and statistics.
(Don’t believe me, read this.)
What does that really mean to you or me?
In the years I’ve spent observing the way single men and women date, I’ve learned that very few people have an original idea of what they’re looking for. I want to challenge you to ask yourself one question before you accept a date or speak to a stranger.
Ask yourself: can this person make me happy?
Let’s investigate what this means. Too often being happy is confused with being supported emotionally, provided for financially, completed as a person, reassured and comforted. While this all sounds nice and like a great recipe for happiness, what you really need in your love life is appreciation, respect and attraction.
As you date, from the moment you exchange numbers to the minute you reach your first date destination, I want you to ask yourself, can this person make me happy? Can this person appreciate being with me, respect who I am as a person and maintain physical chemistry with me?
It’s a concept that isn’t revisited enough, sometimes not visited at all. Because as single people we are so convinced that someone else must make us feel a certain way, for us to be happy. Which for the most part is true. How we feel when we’re around the people we date is a contributing factor to whether we pursue them or not.
The problem is too many single men and women ignore the feelings of true happiness and opt for the external presentation of happiness.
When you are dating someone who makes you feel happy you know it. When they make you feel bad, you know it. You then decide if they make you feel happy more often than they make you feel bad and hopefully they do. Great, date that person.
Unfortunately when people make us feel bad more often than they make us feel good but they provide us with exterior requirements and standards that aren’t our own, we start to rationalize the other benefits of a relationship. Benefits other than our emotional well-being. We consider what they afford us instead of what they cost us, emotionally, financially, and physically.
For a moment, forget the fear you have that you won’t find anyone else. Forget the fear that you’re getting older and your shots at love are dwindling. Forget that you should’ve married your ex, or you should’ve stayed in your marriage or you’ll never find what you’re looking for.
Redirect your focus.
Right now, being single is the moment to think about yourself and no one else. How happy are you with you? How certain are you that you’re open to the idea of being loved not just tolerated. That you’re past hurts are healed and emotional baggage checked?
How committed are you to finding someone who can make you happy instead of validated? What do you need from that person and are you willing to walk away if they deny you. Are you willing to ask them why they didn’t call you back last night and are you willing to tell them you have to go, or to go to hell, when they offer the lamest excuse you’ve ever heard in your life?
It may seem like I’m asking some tough questions but I want you to ask them of yourself. You’ve been single this long you might as well get the most out of it. If dating someone who fills a role, plays a part and makes a handy plus one is the best you can do, Imma pray for you.
We all want to find that good-looking match, ourselves but in someone else. But how the hell are you going to find the last piece of the puzzle until you get yourself together?
Until you at least take the sections out of the box, give them a complete investigation and begin to fit some together on your own how can you begin to know which piece you’re actually missing?
My advice to you, create a list of what you need to be happy.
Ex. I need someone who lets me finish my sentences. I need someone who returns my calls. I need someone who is capable of planning dates. I need someone who understands my needs and is open to fulfilling them etc.
You are the producer and director of your love life. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says. It only matters that you’re happy, everyday. And you must rededicate each day to being happy. Date people who can aid in the process, not those who impede it. It’s important.
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