How many times have you dated someone who made you feel undervalued?
Many times when we feel unappreciated in dating, it’s because we haven’t set clear enough boundaries of how we want to be treated. Don’t assume that others will make you a priority, that others will be proud of you, that others will put your feelings first, even above their own. Why not, that is how you would treat the person that you’re dating. Except dating isn’t about reciprocity. It’s a showcase of talents, what someone is capable of.
If your capabilities fit the needs of someone else’s then you have a match.
Unfortunately, when our abilities don’t fit that need or their facilities don’t fit our own, we overcompensate by doing what someone else wants instead of what we want.You might call that compromise but what makes us feel devalued is the expectation that we will always be the one to bend. The expectation that you are okay with treatment that you’re not okay with is why we feel taken advantage of.
What makes the people that we date feel allowed to mistreat us is our lack of boundaries and consequences for overstepping them.
Many people don’t understand boundaries. In dating we get so caught up with the idea of fairness that we expect to be treated the way that we treat others but that is just not the case. Dating is not a give and take.
Single people are looking for someone who fits their criteria and can supply them with the feelings that they need. We date to feel not to get. If you make someone feel ‘special’ they will go far beyond for you than you may ever do for them and that feeling cannot be replicated. What one person makes you feel can’t just be found in someone else. This is why we have such a hard time finding partners.
Many people may offer the superficial traits we are looking for but they can’t give us that feeling, we so deeply desire.
This is why boundaries are so hard to set. We desperately believe that once we find this “feeling”, we must hold it at all costs. We want to set a standard but if it prevents a potential date from liking us, we falter, we bend, and we are flexible until we have no boundaries at all.
When the person we are dating expects us to accept behaviors that we don’t find acceptable that is crossing a boundary. When you’re dating someone who expects you to come to their house, and never volunteers to come to your house that may be crossing a boundary. It is up to you to say, no. We have to share the responsibility.
If you are afraid that they will just say no and you will lose them, you are devaluing yourself.
It’s okay to want to set boundaries for the sake of laying down the law. The only way people will respect you is if they know what you stand for and you actually stand for it. Don’t make the mistake of bending the rules for some when you wouldn’t bend them for others. That is your fear in action.
We fail to set boundaries because we are afraid that the person of our desire will leave us if we aren’t accommodating. You have to find the strength to let go of this apprehension. Anyone comfortable with making you do things that disrespect yourself isn’t worth the hassle.
Your boundaries allow you to maintain your self-worth and value. They create the foundation of what makes you feel good because you’re being treated in a way that you feel you deserve. Why would you want to be with someone who essentially is treating you less than you’re worth?
The idea of boundaries is to state clearly what you feel like you’re worth. You can’t be treated as high value in a low value relationship. Only when the person you’re dating understands that you won’t settle for less, is when you’ll begin to get more.
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