Do you have a dating voice, and how loud is it?
I’ve always had one strategy in dating, if you piss me off to a certain point I’m never speaking to you again.
I know it sounds extreme but I’m easy to get along with. I’m pretty good at finding justifications, explanations and rationalizations when warranted. If your behavior can’t be excused don’t call me no more.The ability to talk about an issue has never been my forte.
Truth be told, I never thought the men that I dated cared enough about me (why else would they do what they did) to listen to my concerns. Why would they care now about my feelings if they didn’t care when they were doing XYZ? Also, what would it matter? If I didn’t feel like I was going to marry the guy what would be the point of having a heart to heart.
Why is it so important to say how you feel whether the other person cares or not? Whether it changes anything at all?
I read a book recently called Self-Creation by Dr. George Weinberg, in it he explains a principle that made some sense to me. What we do reinforces our reasons for doing it. If I didn’t share what I felt with a guy I was dating, it was most likely because I didn’t think he would care. According to the principle, every time I held my tongue I only reinforced this belief.
If the person you’re dating doesn’t care about what you have to say or you are afraid to say what’s on your mind you have to do some serious investigating to why. This isn’t just about voicing a complaint this is about being honest about what you want from the courtship.
I wrote about this topic in Tell The Truth, Why Protecting The Male ‘Ego’ Is A Waste Of Your Time
No one wants to feel bad by being the reason someone else feels bad. It’s hard to tell a man who you care about but maybe don’t have the same feelings for the truth. It’s even harder to tell some one that you do like that something is wrong, or that they are not fulfilling your needs completely.
Whatever the dilemma in what we feel, why do we find it so hard to speak up? How loud is your relationship voice?
Could it be stronger?
What I’ve learned from dating, more for a relationship and not just to date, is that if a man respects me, he’ll respect what I have to say. If he doesn’t, he’s not for me. I believe in fairness. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings but I also have to set boundaries. If you can’t be honest about how you feel, whether you think the person will run for the hills or not, you need to admit that that’s a problem.
Maybe you hate that your date texts constantly. They never give you their full attention and even when you ask them to stop they don’t.
Maybe you hate that the person you’re dating never makes the plans. You are constantly making plans and when they go anywhere they don’t invite you.
Maybe you want them to call you everyday, or return your calls more often.
Maybe you want to be in an exclusive relationship.
Whatever it is, slight or serious, you need to speak up. If there is something holding you back it’s important to figure out what that is. I can tell you if you’re afraid of rocking the boat or that this man will leave you if you irritate him, that’s a problem. Your needs are as important as anyone else’s and it’s not trivial if it’s on your mind.
I used to have a very quiet dating voice. I expressed more in my journal than to any man who I ever dated. I honestly thought they didn’t care. The more I held my feelings in the more my fears and beliefs were reinforced. Even when I was asked straightforward questions I couldn’t give honest answers. I was just too afraid.
Dating is full of fears but as we get older we need to confidently tackle each roadblock we face, why? Because making a connection is what truly matters and the only way to do that is to be authentic.
Making an omelet requires breaking some eggs as dating might require breaking some spirits. You can’t hold yourself accountable for everyone’s feelings when you’re sacrificing being honest about your own. I want you to have a voice in dating, and say what you feel as soon as you think it.
- Don’t hesitate
- Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing.
- Don’t make excuses for how you feel when you don’t have to.
If they don’t get it, maybe they just don’t get you. It’s okay to move on to someone else.
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