How you know that you’re settling?
For starters, if you have to ask then you probably are. Here’s a better question: If you could be with anyone in the world, would you choose the person that you’re with? If the answer is yes, fine you’re not settling. If the answer is no then you are settling because you do have the choice of being with anyone you want, whether you recognize that or not.
When we make the decision to be in a relationship, we are telling the world, this is what I want.
If you decide to be with someone who is less than what you want then you’re settling. But why do we settle and why do we fear it. The most common excuses single men and women make for settling are:
- I haven’t met the right person yet.
- The person that I want doesn’t exist
- I am running out of time, options, patience etc.
- They’re a great person
I can’t tell you how many times single men and women get caught up with good people who don’t make them happy. Good people who aren’t passionate or exciting or sexy. Good people who “deserve” a partner, so you charitable offer yourself up because how could such a nice person be single.
So why do we fear settling?
Relationships, even the best ones, don’t always last forever. When you commit to a partner, even in marriage it doesn’t mean it’s for the rest of your life. Settling in our minds is missing out. We fear settling because it means that we’re missing out on something better. Someone better. Someone we have no idea how to find or if they even exist.
If you know without a doubt that someone is right for you then you’re lucky. For the rest of us we have endless doubts. We are unsure that we’re making the right decision and it’s scary. With so many choices and decisions to make in our everyday lives it stands to reason that we would be flooded with questions in deciding if the person that we’re dating is right for us.
The fear of settling is crippling.
Society teaches us that if you aren’t happy where you are then you should upgrade what you have. We are trained to believe in features and benefits. If a person doesn’t come with all the bells and whistles then the relationship is somewhat inferior.
You deserve the best so if that isn’t what you have then you should leave it for something better, right?
Settling is the difference between what you want and what you have.
If you are unhappy with your selected partner then you ask yourself the following questions.
- Is this how I expected to feel with a partner?
- When we are together do I feel relaxed or anxious?
- Do I want to change them or are am I content with them as they are?
These are some of the most important questions you can ask to qualify a potential date. If you assume by the appearance of a person, that they are less than what you want, they can’t make you happy and to commit to them would be settling ~you’re going to have a pretty crappy first date.
Unfortunately this is when we make these assumptions and we shouldn’t.
- Settling isn’t about you being a seven dating someone you consider a six.
- Settling is about wanting more than you’re getting out of the relationship. Settling is accepting less than you deserve from a partner out of fear that what you want doesn’t exist.
- Settling is compartmentalizing your relationship by the pros and cons instead of trusting your intuition and doing what feels right in your soul.
- Settling is being practical instead of authentic. Fearful instead of faithful.If you want to know if you’re settling in your relationship just listen to your gut, its telling you the answer.
I hope this was helpful.